Okay this is going to be autistic.
I just watched future diary series for the 3rd time maybe I think. My mind is so stuck sometimes after watching deep stuff like that. Then after I finished watching that, today I watched your name and I went to my bathroom turned the shower on, sat down and cried for I don't know how long, 20 minutes? I still feel so sad. Probably one of those days again thinking a million things. I've dealt with so much cruelty that I'm over it but feeling like every time you turn on the light you still see the dark. I don't understand why people always have some agenda against me.
They see someone like me and just want to take stabs at someone who is mentally fucked. Simple trolls and jokes are nothing but when one of your long time friends decides to ghost you because you said somethings over something stupid I just shutdown and sob. But other than that, every guy I've been with was nothing but douchebags. One guy was emo and stuff. We liked the same video games and would reminisce about being little and playing them but he for some reason wanted to fuck me a month in the relationship when I told him that it's too soon. So what did he do? He went and told my friends at school I masturbate with dildos, liked golden showers, just awful awful shit.
They literally came to me and asked me face to face if I liked being pissed on. So yeah, I told him to go fuck himself and never talk to him again, then he goes and fucks the public whore that has rich parents. Then after school and I grow up, I dated a guy from the same place I worked. It was a restaurant, he was real handsome always had the brightest smile.
We started talking, gave him my number, a social I had that wasn't my main thankfully I didn't give him my main. red flags left and right. He was like one of those guys that try to come off as a future sugar daddy, one minute he would tell you he was working on a small business of his flipping houses, the next he would tell you he was about to get a sports car for 50% off than its usual price never happened, then you go to his house he has so much shit like an in ground pool, huge ass AC unit, another car that wasn't working because the engine broke, expensive ass clothing so curious I ask him " how did you get all of this?" you know what he tells me? "Oh, I won a lot of money from a scratch off ticket, then I invested some of it, lost some but then I was able to gain some back".
Just lies and lies. I could tell he was one of those dudes that would get a credit card and dig themselves in debt. Like, you work a fast food job with me that is nothing but wage slavery and you have the nerve to tell me you were about to buy a sports car (think it was a porche?), about to start flipping houses, then I go to your house and you have nothing but unnecessary shit. He wanted to try and impress me so bad he lied through his teeth. So that didn't last long and I quit a week later after telling him I don't feel the love.
Then when I watch something like your name or the future diary, I just sit there thinking why can't love be this easy? Why in the fuck do I always have to walk on nails to get some kind of affection, and authenticity, a love more about emotion than sex, why does every guy I run into want to fuck me so much they can't wait? Then I gas light myself like maybe I'm the issue? Is society really like this or am I the bitch? Thoughts in that nature. Then I look at the women today most of them. They get with guys, the relationship doesn't work out, then they want to hate on men, then people want to just go on hook up apps for sex, then kids are born into a separated family, then the kids grow up fucked up like me.
I so happened to be on reddit and discovered a bitch that someone was talking shit about because they were a piece of shit, I do research on them turns out they are babied and given what they want while so many guys jerk off to her while I'm given nothing, actually have depression, and have to stick it out on my own with a mother who has bad health. These assholes think I'm just a punching bag for their game now because I'm calling out someone who has it so much more easier than people like me.
I have hope. I know one day I will be able to wake up and not be depressed anymore and alone. For sure I'll find that guy who will love me for me, love me from the heart and would be intimate with me from that heart. I'm so sick and tired of people always trying to fuck with me and trying to bully me to suicide. All I do is waste away playing video games and fiddling a guitar I kind of suck at playing.
I just watched future diary series for the 3rd time maybe I think. My mind is so stuck sometimes after watching deep stuff like that. Then after I finished watching that, today I watched your name and I went to my bathroom turned the shower on, sat down and cried for I don't know how long, 20 minutes? I still feel so sad. Probably one of those days again thinking a million things. I've dealt with so much cruelty that I'm over it but feeling like every time you turn on the light you still see the dark. I don't understand why people always have some agenda against me.
They see someone like me and just want to take stabs at someone who is mentally fucked. Simple trolls and jokes are nothing but when one of your long time friends decides to ghost you because you said somethings over something stupid I just shutdown and sob. But other than that, every guy I've been with was nothing but douchebags. One guy was emo and stuff. We liked the same video games and would reminisce about being little and playing them but he for some reason wanted to fuck me a month in the relationship when I told him that it's too soon. So what did he do? He went and told my friends at school I masturbate with dildos, liked golden showers, just awful awful shit.
They literally came to me and asked me face to face if I liked being pissed on. So yeah, I told him to go fuck himself and never talk to him again, then he goes and fucks the public whore that has rich parents. Then after school and I grow up, I dated a guy from the same place I worked. It was a restaurant, he was real handsome always had the brightest smile.
We started talking, gave him my number, a social I had that wasn't my main thankfully I didn't give him my main. red flags left and right. He was like one of those guys that try to come off as a future sugar daddy, one minute he would tell you he was working on a small business of his flipping houses, the next he would tell you he was about to get a sports car for 50% off than its usual price never happened, then you go to his house he has so much shit like an in ground pool, huge ass AC unit, another car that wasn't working because the engine broke, expensive ass clothing so curious I ask him " how did you get all of this?" you know what he tells me? "Oh, I won a lot of money from a scratch off ticket, then I invested some of it, lost some but then I was able to gain some back".
Just lies and lies. I could tell he was one of those dudes that would get a credit card and dig themselves in debt. Like, you work a fast food job with me that is nothing but wage slavery and you have the nerve to tell me you were about to buy a sports car (think it was a porche?), about to start flipping houses, then I go to your house and you have nothing but unnecessary shit. He wanted to try and impress me so bad he lied through his teeth. So that didn't last long and I quit a week later after telling him I don't feel the love.
Then when I watch something like your name or the future diary, I just sit there thinking why can't love be this easy? Why in the fuck do I always have to walk on nails to get some kind of affection, and authenticity, a love more about emotion than sex, why does every guy I run into want to fuck me so much they can't wait? Then I gas light myself like maybe I'm the issue? Is society really like this or am I the bitch? Thoughts in that nature. Then I look at the women today most of them. They get with guys, the relationship doesn't work out, then they want to hate on men, then people want to just go on hook up apps for sex, then kids are born into a separated family, then the kids grow up fucked up like me.
I so happened to be on reddit and discovered a bitch that someone was talking shit about because they were a piece of shit, I do research on them turns out they are babied and given what they want while so many guys jerk off to her while I'm given nothing, actually have depression, and have to stick it out on my own with a mother who has bad health. These assholes think I'm just a punching bag for their game now because I'm calling out someone who has it so much more easier than people like me.
I have hope. I know one day I will be able to wake up and not be depressed anymore and alone. For sure I'll find that guy who will love me for me, love me from the heart and would be intimate with me from that heart. I'm so sick and tired of people always trying to fuck with me and trying to bully me to suicide. All I do is waste away playing video games and fiddling a guitar I kind of suck at playing.