So. Today was a revelating day for me. You ever hear something about something that was only to be revealed recently that happened years ago? You say, "woah" that's crazy. There were multiple things revealed to me today. But one detail. Important fact from the past that sticks with me the most out of them all is the "hatred". The word hate. There is someone that hated another person. Nights where hell was unleashed. Children growing up. Having to go to school the next day. And someone in the house decides to put them through hell. Because of their addiction to drinking. Not the fun kind, the angry, repulsive never going to let go of the past kind; projecting the most filth, vile, hatred and rage onto innocence so when those children grow up they hate that person. You no longer hurt or long. You don't give any hope to the change of that person because those ships have sailed long ago. I just now experienced this hatred my own blood had for this individual. So much hate you seek destruction so the filth goes away. That was me just now moments ago. Shaking, vision blurry, movies of death playing in your head. And that's the same thing a sibling of mine felt until the day it was over for him was just that. He had issues when it came to females. Not because he developed them but because it was brewed into him from the treatment of the one that is supposed to nurture you from the household. Colorado was a place he wanted to go to. Get away from the city. With him came his girlfriend. Something happened. Not to which I know of but something happened on that trip that resulted in my sibling leaving her there, lost and isolated which then caused the break up. Then again when it came to the armed robbery he didn't rat on the current one he was with. Maybe because he had some sympathy and self control when it came to the treatment of women left in his heart. But when prison came then passed it changed. While sitting in a cell thinking for five years he must have realized that any kind of soul within the body of the opposite sex was nothing but a nightmare for him so the next time he got with a women, the poor treatment arised. I was spared from a lot but I still live with some of the issues we have in common. And I try so hard sometimes to not let it get to me but sometimes it does and my anti-social subconscious takes over. And it gets dark slowly but surely. Moments ago I had the imagination of hiring someone to take her out. So it all would go away. You know shit that gets you locked up if you went through with it. But with the risk and the suspicion of the current situation, a mind with clearness could understand how stupid it would be. But the rage, the seeing red, the blurry vision, I was literally grabbing on to my steering wheel very tightly trying to not snap. Something to distract myself from the pressure, the rage, the shaking. Just because you want it to all go away so fucking bad you'd do anything even if it means murder. I have my urges under control but it comes to that bitch; it's a constant dig, a constant test, a constant this and that. You'd back hand her if you could. This is what he felt those five years in prison. While getting fucked with and tormented by the other inmates, there was a war going on back home beyond those brick walls.
So yeah. If I described what I wanted to do to her it would get into the territory of fed posting. I will try harder to control my urges and inner rage because I know soon it will all be over and when it is. I will have peace and quiet and I can finally go deep into my soul and finally be under the warm blanket of peace. A
One thing that helps me is thinking about my babes that will treat me right and not fuck me over like the rest. No it's not the sex but rather, just those affirmations. The cuddles, the warmth, the softness of their nurturment.