Anne Hathaway Fan
Because one day you'll wake up and realize you'll always be an Anne Hathaway Fan
Local Moderator
Let's get down to brass tacks here, because I know that fun is fun, like beating up a midget or having a dead hooker in your motel room. But serious business is serious. And when it comes to smuggling drugs from one country to another, business is booming.
Now in my experience... Haha, I mean my OPINION (fool me once, interpol) the most lucrative and best drug to smuggle his heroin, because if you're doing the up the butt route it's the best drug to boof.
Speaking of Boof, for this advice column I'm going to turn it over to our good friend and doctor of the onion farms: Dr. Phineas Boofus. Take it away, Dr. Boofus.
HELLO! I'M DR PHINEAS BOOFUS. SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW ME IF YOU'VE EVER NEEDED TO BE IN THE INFIRMARY HERE AT ONION FARMS. I CAN WRITE YOU A PRESCRIPTION FOR WHATEVER YOU NEED MY GOOD MAN. I UNDERSTAND THAT I'M SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T STOP... AN UNFORTUNATE CONCOCTION I MADE OF METHAMPHETAMINE AND UNLEADED PETROL THAT I INJECTED HAS PERMANENTLY MADE ME YELL IN RED TEXT. BOOFUS
SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO SMUGGLE THE DRUGS, HAVE YOU GOVERNOR? WELL DONE OLD BOY. NOW REMEMBER... THIS ISN'T MARIJUANA GOING THROUGH YOUR SUITCASE MY GOOD MAN. YOU'RE SMUGGLING HARD DRUGS AND LOOKING AT HARD TIME.
IRONICALLY ENOUGH, I FIND THE BEST HEROIN COMES FROM COUNTRIES THAT WE HAVE... WELL LET'S JUST CALL THEM "LESS THAN FAVOURABLE" LAWS WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS. YOU COULD GO THROUGH THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE, BUT KNOWING HOW THOSE MUSLIM GENTS ARE OVER THERE YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE IT BACK WITH BOTH OF YOUR HANDS. NO I RECOMMEND THE PHANTASMS AND ENCHANTMENTS THAT ONLY SOUTHEAST ASIAN HEROIN CAN BRING.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TRAIN YOUR ANUS TO BE ABLE TO BE RELAXED ENOUGH TO TAKE A LARGE AMOUNT OF HEROIN ONTO THE PLANE WITH YOU, BUT TIGHT ENOUGH TO SNAP SHUT OVER THE BALLOONS ONCE INSERTED. THIS IS WHERE ALL OF YOUR BUTT PLUG EXERCISES WILL START PAYING DIVIDENDS.
FIG. 1 - EXERCISE EQUIPMENT. DON'T WORRY, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THESE CAN BE WRITTEN OFF AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE ON YOUR TAXES COME APRIL, MY GOOD MAN.
RIGHT. SO NOW THAT YOUR ANUS IS MALLEABLE AND READY FOR ACTION SO TO SPEAK, IT'S TIME TO START LOADING UP YOUR HEROIN. JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER THIS IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT BEFORE YOU GET TO THE AIRPORT. PUTTING CONDOMS FULL OF HEROIN INTO YOUR ANUS IS LIKE COMEDY... TIMING IS EVERYTHING. YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS THE NIGHT BEFORE AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT DOING IT IN THE WATER CLOSET OF THE AIRPORT EITHER. I RECOMMEND RENTING A VAN AND DOING IT IN THERE IN THE AIRPORT PARKING LOT.
SO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS MAKE SURE YOU'VE PACKED MAGNUM CONDOMS FULL OF THE PRODUCT (YOU WANT THE LARGER SIZE BECAUSE IT WILL HOLD MORE HEROIN OBVIOUSLY. REMEMBER MY GOOD MAN, THIS IS CHESS NOT CHECKERS) WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT THEM RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE IT'S ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. REMEMBER DR PHINEAS BOOFUS DOES NOT JUDGE... I LEAVE THAT UP TO GOD AND THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU GET CAUGHT.
NOW THAT YOUR ANUS IS STUFFED TO MAXIMUM CAPACITY LIKE A GREAT WHITE CONCERT, NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE GATE. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THE WAY THAT MOST PEOPLE GET CAUGHT MULING DRUGS IS BY WALKING LIKE THEY HAVE A KILOGRAM OF DRUGS IN THEIR ANUS. BUTT AGAIN (PUN INTENDED... DR. BOOFUS LIKES TO HAVE A CHUCKLE EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE) YOU HAVE BEEN DOING YOUR EXERCISES, SO THIS SHOULDN'T BE PROBLEMATIC FOR YOU AT ALL.
FIG. 2 - OBVIOUSLY THIS GOOD WOMAN HAS BEEN DOING HER TRAINING. HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE, TOO.
NOW IF YOU'VE MADE IT ON TO THE PLANE, YOU ARE ALMOST HOME FREE. WE ONLY HAVE AMERICAN CUSTOMS TO WORRY ABOUT. NOW THEY WILL BE A LITTLE BIT MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ON A 14 HOUR FLIGHT NURSING YOUR SWOLLEN BUNGHOLE FULL OF HEROIN, BUT WITH A LITTLE TENACITY, A PINCH OF LUCK, AND A WHOLE LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS.
HERE'S WHERE MOST DRUG MULES MAKE A MISTAKE: THEY ACT SHEEPISH AND NERVOUS WHEN COMING THROUGH CUSTOMS. DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE FROM THE WESTERN WORLD? CUSTOMS SHOULD BE AN ANNOYANCE TO YOU, NOT AN AGENCY YOU FEAR BECAUSE YOUR ASSHOLE IS CURRENTLY HARBOURING MORE WHITE POWDER THAN THE POCONOS, DO TO SPEAK.
YOU SHOULD BE THE TYPICAL WHITE AMERICAN KAREN WHEN GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS. BE ANGRY THAT THEY'RE GOING THROUGH YOUR NICE FOLDED CLOTHES AND ANNOYED BECAUSE YOU JUST GOT OFF OF 14-HOUR FLIGHT WITH A CRYING BABY. BUT DON'T BE TOO MUCH OF A KAREN, BECAUSE THAT WILL GET YOU ADDITIONAL SCREENING BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE BEING PETTY. NO MY GOOD CHUM, YOU MUST WALK A FINE LINE BETWEEN IRRITATED AND RESPECTFUL.
FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS AND THE HEROIN IS YOURS. DON'T FOLLOW THEM, AND YOU MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN AMERICAN OR SOUTHEAST ASIAN PRISON WHERE YOUR ANUS WILL BE SMUGGLING PENISES FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS INSTEAD OF HEROIN.
EITHER WAY, THOSE EXERCISES WILL BE PAYING OFF. THANK YOU VERY MUCH JACK FOR LETTING ME SHARE MY EXPERTISE, AND I WILL SEE YOU ONION FARMERS IN THE INFIRMARY. JUST LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT PRESCRIBED AND I'LL WRITE SOMETHING OUT FOR YOU.
Thank you Dr. Boofus. It was um... Very insightful. I didn't realize that being a mule had so much to do with butthole stretching, but I'm glad I do now.
Sorry for the hiatus on the advice columns by the way, you know how it is when us kids get to infighting
Stay tuned for more wonderful advice that you can use in your daily life, and remember: if you get caught, I would appreciate it if you didn't drop dime on me.
Your friend (and mine),
~ Jack
Now in my experience... Haha, I mean my OPINION (fool me once, interpol) the most lucrative and best drug to smuggle his heroin, because if you're doing the up the butt route it's the best drug to boof.
Speaking of Boof, for this advice column I'm going to turn it over to our good friend and doctor of the onion farms: Dr. Phineas Boofus. Take it away, Dr. Boofus.
HELLO! I'M DR PHINEAS BOOFUS. SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW ME IF YOU'VE EVER NEEDED TO BE IN THE INFIRMARY HERE AT ONION FARMS. I CAN WRITE YOU A PRESCRIPTION FOR WHATEVER YOU NEED MY GOOD MAN. I UNDERSTAND THAT I'M SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T STOP... AN UNFORTUNATE CONCOCTION I MADE OF METHAMPHETAMINE AND UNLEADED PETROL THAT I INJECTED HAS PERMANENTLY MADE ME YELL IN RED TEXT. BOOFUS
SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO SMUGGLE THE DRUGS, HAVE YOU GOVERNOR? WELL DONE OLD BOY. NOW REMEMBER... THIS ISN'T MARIJUANA GOING THROUGH YOUR SUITCASE MY GOOD MAN. YOU'RE SMUGGLING HARD DRUGS AND LOOKING AT HARD TIME.
IRONICALLY ENOUGH, I FIND THE BEST HEROIN COMES FROM COUNTRIES THAT WE HAVE... WELL LET'S JUST CALL THEM "LESS THAN FAVOURABLE" LAWS WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS. YOU COULD GO THROUGH THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE, BUT KNOWING HOW THOSE MUSLIM GENTS ARE OVER THERE YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE IT BACK WITH BOTH OF YOUR HANDS. NO I RECOMMEND THE PHANTASMS AND ENCHANTMENTS THAT ONLY SOUTHEAST ASIAN HEROIN CAN BRING.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TRAIN YOUR ANUS TO BE ABLE TO BE RELAXED ENOUGH TO TAKE A LARGE AMOUNT OF HEROIN ONTO THE PLANE WITH YOU, BUT TIGHT ENOUGH TO SNAP SHUT OVER THE BALLOONS ONCE INSERTED. THIS IS WHERE ALL OF YOUR BUTT PLUG EXERCISES WILL START PAYING DIVIDENDS.
FIG. 1 - EXERCISE EQUIPMENT. DON'T WORRY, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THESE CAN BE WRITTEN OFF AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE ON YOUR TAXES COME APRIL, MY GOOD MAN.
RIGHT. SO NOW THAT YOUR ANUS IS MALLEABLE AND READY FOR ACTION SO TO SPEAK, IT'S TIME TO START LOADING UP YOUR HEROIN. JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER THIS IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT BEFORE YOU GET TO THE AIRPORT. PUTTING CONDOMS FULL OF HEROIN INTO YOUR ANUS IS LIKE COMEDY... TIMING IS EVERYTHING. YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS THE NIGHT BEFORE AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT DOING IT IN THE WATER CLOSET OF THE AIRPORT EITHER. I RECOMMEND RENTING A VAN AND DOING IT IN THERE IN THE AIRPORT PARKING LOT.
SO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS MAKE SURE YOU'VE PACKED MAGNUM CONDOMS FULL OF THE PRODUCT (YOU WANT THE LARGER SIZE BECAUSE IT WILL HOLD MORE HEROIN OBVIOUSLY. REMEMBER MY GOOD MAN, THIS IS CHESS NOT CHECKERS) WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT THEM RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE IT'S ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. REMEMBER DR PHINEAS BOOFUS DOES NOT JUDGE... I LEAVE THAT UP TO GOD AND THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU GET CAUGHT.
NOW THAT YOUR ANUS IS STUFFED TO MAXIMUM CAPACITY LIKE A GREAT WHITE CONCERT, NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE GATE. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THE WAY THAT MOST PEOPLE GET CAUGHT MULING DRUGS IS BY WALKING LIKE THEY HAVE A KILOGRAM OF DRUGS IN THEIR ANUS. BUTT AGAIN (PUN INTENDED... DR. BOOFUS LIKES TO HAVE A CHUCKLE EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE) YOU HAVE BEEN DOING YOUR EXERCISES, SO THIS SHOULDN'T BE PROBLEMATIC FOR YOU AT ALL.
FIG. 2 - OBVIOUSLY THIS GOOD WOMAN HAS BEEN DOING HER TRAINING. HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE, TOO.
NOW IF YOU'VE MADE IT ON TO THE PLANE, YOU ARE ALMOST HOME FREE. WE ONLY HAVE AMERICAN CUSTOMS TO WORRY ABOUT. NOW THEY WILL BE A LITTLE BIT MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ON A 14 HOUR FLIGHT NURSING YOUR SWOLLEN BUNGHOLE FULL OF HEROIN, BUT WITH A LITTLE TENACITY, A PINCH OF LUCK, AND A WHOLE LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS.
HERE'S WHERE MOST DRUG MULES MAKE A MISTAKE: THEY ACT SHEEPISH AND NERVOUS WHEN COMING THROUGH CUSTOMS. DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE FROM THE WESTERN WORLD? CUSTOMS SHOULD BE AN ANNOYANCE TO YOU, NOT AN AGENCY YOU FEAR BECAUSE YOUR ASSHOLE IS CURRENTLY HARBOURING MORE WHITE POWDER THAN THE POCONOS, DO TO SPEAK.
YOU SHOULD BE THE TYPICAL WHITE AMERICAN KAREN WHEN GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS. BE ANGRY THAT THEY'RE GOING THROUGH YOUR NICE FOLDED CLOTHES AND ANNOYED BECAUSE YOU JUST GOT OFF OF 14-HOUR FLIGHT WITH A CRYING BABY. BUT DON'T BE TOO MUCH OF A KAREN, BECAUSE THAT WILL GET YOU ADDITIONAL SCREENING BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE BEING PETTY. NO MY GOOD CHUM, YOU MUST WALK A FINE LINE BETWEEN IRRITATED AND RESPECTFUL.
FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS AND THE HEROIN IS YOURS. DON'T FOLLOW THEM, AND YOU MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN AMERICAN OR SOUTHEAST ASIAN PRISON WHERE YOUR ANUS WILL BE SMUGGLING PENISES FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS INSTEAD OF HEROIN.
EITHER WAY, THOSE EXERCISES WILL BE PAYING OFF. THANK YOU VERY MUCH JACK FOR LETTING ME SHARE MY EXPERTISE, AND I WILL SEE YOU ONION FARMERS IN THE INFIRMARY. JUST LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT PRESCRIBED AND I'LL WRITE SOMETHING OUT FOR YOU.
Thank you Dr. Boofus. It was um... Very insightful. I didn't realize that being a mule had so much to do with butthole stretching, but I'm glad I do now.
Sorry for the hiatus on the advice columns by the way, you know how it is when us kids get to infighting
Stay tuned for more wonderful advice that you can use in your daily life, and remember: if you get caught, I would appreciate it if you didn't drop dime on me.
Your friend (and mine),
~ Jack
Last edited:
