J
Jack
Okay now this one is a sticky situation, and not just because they work at the Wonka candy factory. You just need to stay calm and we'll get through this together.
How angry is the midget right now? Is he Verne Troyer having to wait in line at the bank angry, or that scene in Total Recall where that midget that looked like an uncooked turkey was waddling across the bar shooting people? You know what it doesn't even matter. I'm going to talk you through this either way.
Obviously I'm going to need to know the ethnicity of the midget. I mean they're usually white, but if they are a minority we're really in business. That is kind of wild how every midget is white though. Apparently coming from a two-parent home does something to stunt your growth.
Anyway the reason I ask is because obviously you're reading this by doing that thing that you used to do with your little brother where you have your hand on their forehead and they're trying to swing on you and you're looking at your phone with the opposite hand.
The last thing that you want people to think is that you're beating up a little kid. So what you want to do is make sure people know that you're beating up an adult. So if it's an ethnic midget maybe lean down and call it a racial slur. The way the midge will react in a manner unbecoming of a sideshow act and that will let everyone in the surrounding area know that you're fighting a man, even though it belongs behind a circus tent where people pay 50 cents to gawk at it.
So step one is covered, people realize that you're beating up a genetic abnormality and not a boy. In the words of Anakin Skywalker this is where the fun begins.
Now I may or may not have said and done some things with the abnormal (you would look at a midget too if she offered to show you her naked body so don't front) but what I've learned in my travels and my study of the dwarf anatomy is that for the most part, they're built like humans.
Most importantly, you need to let the genetically absurd little guy hit you at least one time. You're about to beat the hell out of this thing so you want to make sure nobody steps in and white knights for the half man.
Okay so you called him a slur (even without a slur you can call him "little boy" and he'll get so mad that he'll correct you) so now everyone around you has heard that this is a man and seen that he's hit you first.
I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH YOU NEED TO NOT FUCK THIS PART UP:
You have been practicing fake wrestling moves with your cousins, your kids, your girlfriend, and literally everyone else in your life that thinks that shit is funny. God has chosen you just as sure as he chose Moses. But instead of building an ark, you have been tasked with doing something that most of us can only ever dream to do:
YOU ARE ABOUT TO BEAT UP A FUCKING MIDGET USING PRO WRESTLING MOVES
Now here's where things get a little more difficult. I hear yourself asking "but Jack, there's a literal cornucopia of wrestling moves that I could perform on this freak currently gnawing at the bottom of my pant leg, which one do I do on him?"
My brother in Christ, anything goes. Just make sure that the move that you do is height appropriate. If you try to do a diamond cutter or a stone cold stunner, the goblin will no sell that because of the tininess.
I recommend a lung blower power bomb, as seen in this helpful video:
And if you do managed to commit attempted oompa loompa slaughter, please reach out to me and share the video of it. Scientists need to know how many wrestling moves these little elves can take.
How angry is the midget right now? Is he Verne Troyer having to wait in line at the bank angry, or that scene in Total Recall where that midget that looked like an uncooked turkey was waddling across the bar shooting people? You know what it doesn't even matter. I'm going to talk you through this either way.
Obviously I'm going to need to know the ethnicity of the midget. I mean they're usually white, but if they are a minority we're really in business. That is kind of wild how every midget is white though. Apparently coming from a two-parent home does something to stunt your growth.
Anyway the reason I ask is because obviously you're reading this by doing that thing that you used to do with your little brother where you have your hand on their forehead and they're trying to swing on you and you're looking at your phone with the opposite hand.
The last thing that you want people to think is that you're beating up a little kid. So what you want to do is make sure people know that you're beating up an adult. So if it's an ethnic midget maybe lean down and call it a racial slur. The way the midge will react in a manner unbecoming of a sideshow act and that will let everyone in the surrounding area know that you're fighting a man, even though it belongs behind a circus tent where people pay 50 cents to gawk at it.
So step one is covered, people realize that you're beating up a genetic abnormality and not a boy. In the words of Anakin Skywalker this is where the fun begins.
Now I may or may not have said and done some things with the abnormal (you would look at a midget too if she offered to show you her naked body so don't front) but what I've learned in my travels and my study of the dwarf anatomy is that for the most part, they're built like humans.
Most importantly, you need to let the genetically absurd little guy hit you at least one time. You're about to beat the hell out of this thing so you want to make sure nobody steps in and white knights for the half man.
Okay so you called him a slur (even without a slur you can call him "little boy" and he'll get so mad that he'll correct you) so now everyone around you has heard that this is a man and seen that he's hit you first.
I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH YOU NEED TO NOT FUCK THIS PART UP:
You have been practicing fake wrestling moves with your cousins, your kids, your girlfriend, and literally everyone else in your life that thinks that shit is funny. God has chosen you just as sure as he chose Moses. But instead of building an ark, you have been tasked with doing something that most of us can only ever dream to do:
YOU ARE ABOUT TO BEAT UP A FUCKING MIDGET USING PRO WRESTLING MOVES
Now here's where things get a little more difficult. I hear yourself asking "but Jack, there's a literal cornucopia of wrestling moves that I could perform on this freak currently gnawing at the bottom of my pant leg, which one do I do on him?"
My brother in Christ, anything goes. Just make sure that the move that you do is height appropriate. If you try to do a diamond cutter or a stone cold stunner, the goblin will no sell that because of the tininess.
I recommend a lung blower power bomb, as seen in this helpful video:
And if you do managed to commit attempted oompa loompa slaughter, please reach out to me and share the video of it. Scientists need to know how many wrestling moves these little elves can take.
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