First and foremost, let me congratulate you on your decision to start a cult. Now I know what you're thinking, "But Jack, I don't want to call it a cult. Cults have a bad reputation and people aren't going to join if I call it a cult" and to that I say "No shit you stupid fucking lunch box, you're not going to call it a cult to your marks, but we're talking as friends here so we speak freely"
Now the first thing you're going to want to do is find some damaged people. Preferably you want to find the most attractive but easy to manipulate people that you can. Now that's a hard thing to do, because if you go too far one way you're going to end up with a bunch of unfuckable Beet Feet who are all borderline retarded, and if you go too far the other way you're going to have a bunch of people hotter than you who are waiting to overthrow you and usurp your spot as the cult leader.
So I think the perfect sweet spot would be somewhere in between the Branch Davidians and Manson's family. I mean trust me, there were some pretty fuckable women at Waco, but you don't have to take my word for it. Take this Ouija board and ask David Koresh how good that fundamentalist muff tasted. Some of Charlie's girls weren't bad looking either, if I'd have been around in 1969 I could see myself catching the clap from Squeaky Fromme's fire crotch. But enough about my perversions, let's figure out what indoctrination methods are right for you.
Choice #1 - Using God to Attain Your Goals
Now this one is dicey, and just like being the guy who inspects suicide bomber vests for Muslim children, it could blow up in your face at any minute. I would put starting a religious cult on the back burner unless you are an S-tier manipulator. I mean you've really got to have some L. Ron sized balls to gaslight with God. You are going to basically have to have a rain man memory or have read the boring ass Bible so many times that you can quote scripture by heart, chapter and verse. If you can do that, I mean fuck bro. You're in there like tight swimwear.
Choice #2 - Where'd You Learn that, Cheech? DRUG SCHOOL?
Ah yes... the magical Manson manipulation modus operandi. Nothing says lovin like hallucinogenics for your coven. This one is easier than religion but is still a hard sell. You're always going to have the pesky DEA to worry about, not to mention the fact that you're going to need a source of income to keep the drugs flowing into these people at first. I recommend this for better than average but not S-tier cult leaders, good public speakers and carnival barker types. This is the route you're old Uncle Jackie went... Hahaha, did I say went? I meant would go. Remember, I was tried but never convicted. There's a difference.
Choice #3 - Up Front Cunt
This one's for people who are chronically online. People who have had more porn than they've had pussy and other people who spend most of their day on social media. Basically anyone who's autistic or has a Reddit account. Literally just find people as dumb as you and say "Hey I'm starting a cult but we all have sex and do weird shit together"
I mean I imagine you'll definitely get some takers but... It'll mostly be dudes and fat girls who are all on the spectrum. But I mean hey, we all had to start somewhere right?
Choice #4 - The FLDS Method
Brigham Young? More like BRING EM YOUNG, amirite? No? Ok, moving on.
Choice #5 - I Didn't Put any Skill Points in Speech or Charisma
Okay so you couldn't talk your way into a date with a four. That's okay, some of us were meant to lead and some of us were meant to follow. And if you can't lead em, join em. Find a cult that you think you'll like and just sign up. Spend a lot of time around their leader, learn the blueprints. Don't talk, listen. Learn. One day when the leader dies of "undisclosed reasons" (wink wink) you should be at the point where everyone selects you as the new leader. And hey if you can't pull that off, just make sure you're a good sycophant to the leader and I'm sure he'll let you bang whatever concubine he's finished with. Remember, Confucius say "Sloppy seconds are better than not eating at all"
Ok, so now we've figured out what kind of method, our next step is getting the funds for this. Now you and I both know that most of us don't have the kind of money, motivation or patience to build our own Elohim City or Jonestown. But here's the beauty of it: if you're convincing enough, you can get these people the dump their life savings into it AND use them as slave labor to build your compound in whatever flyover state that has a sheriff's department that's going to turn a blind eye most of the time. It's a win win!
And using your own cult members as slave labor is like pistol whipping a child, it's a victimless crime! They are the ones building this compound to better their own lives, so unlike the ungrateful negroids in the 19th century they won't whine about bullshit like "freedom" or "seeing their family" or "being overworked". I mean Jesus, for people who are so good at sports you think they would have been happy to pick cotton. But I digress.
And remember the five dos and five don'ts of running a cult:
The 5 things to Do:
1. Do bribe local law enforcement. You can get away with a lot of small-time crimes and some low level felonies in your cult if the local sheriff just bought himself a new Escalade with your generous donation.
2. Do make sure that you feed your followers. I mean not for humanitarian reasons, I'm just asking who wants to have sex with a woman who looks like a burlap sack full of antlers?
3. Do make sure you keep it simple. Remember these people joined a fucking CULT, and I mean to be honest there's a reason it's the 10 commandments and not the 457 commandments.
4. Do make sure you have a significant source of income. Better bag a couple of rich rubes. Property taxes on a compound are fucking KILLER.
5. Do make sure you pull a Bin Laden and have high walls around your place and burn your own trash. You don't need pesky family members and private detectives all up in your business.
The 5 things to Don't:
1. Don't recruit a lot of minorities. They tend to get... uppity. I think a solid 5 to 1 ratio is good.
2. Don't recruit your family members. You don't want to be half in the bag on shrooms and peyote and accidentally fuck your sister. And I mean if you do that's probably a whole different kind of cult entirely.
3. Don't change your methodology halfway in. You can't go from a hardcore religious cult to a freaky sex cult and expect Mormons, Protestants and other uptight Bible thumpers to go for that.
4. Don't let anyone work on your website that isn't already a member. You don't want anyone trying to promote your shit unless they're already indoctrinated.
5. Don't ever think you can tell these idiots the truth. If they ever figure it out, it's over. Although if you do get bored it would be pretty funny to be like "I was just joking"
Haha, that's good fun. So follow these steps and I wish you continued success in your quest to start a cult. Hopefully I don't see you on TV having a standoff with automatic weapons with the ATF, but just in case I do... do me a solid and don't mention my name when you're talking to the hostage negotiators.
Have fun, and I'll see you again real soon.
Your friend (and mine),
~ Jack
Now the first thing you're going to want to do is find some damaged people. Preferably you want to find the most attractive but easy to manipulate people that you can. Now that's a hard thing to do, because if you go too far one way you're going to end up with a bunch of unfuckable Beet Feet who are all borderline retarded, and if you go too far the other way you're going to have a bunch of people hotter than you who are waiting to overthrow you and usurp your spot as the cult leader.
So I think the perfect sweet spot would be somewhere in between the Branch Davidians and Manson's family. I mean trust me, there were some pretty fuckable women at Waco, but you don't have to take my word for it. Take this Ouija board and ask David Koresh how good that fundamentalist muff tasted. Some of Charlie's girls weren't bad looking either, if I'd have been around in 1969 I could see myself catching the clap from Squeaky Fromme's fire crotch. But enough about my perversions, let's figure out what indoctrination methods are right for you.
Choice #1 - Using God to Attain Your Goals
Now this one is dicey, and just like being the guy who inspects suicide bomber vests for Muslim children, it could blow up in your face at any minute. I would put starting a religious cult on the back burner unless you are an S-tier manipulator. I mean you've really got to have some L. Ron sized balls to gaslight with God. You are going to basically have to have a rain man memory or have read the boring ass Bible so many times that you can quote scripture by heart, chapter and verse. If you can do that, I mean fuck bro. You're in there like tight swimwear.
Choice #2 - Where'd You Learn that, Cheech? DRUG SCHOOL?
Ah yes... the magical Manson manipulation modus operandi. Nothing says lovin like hallucinogenics for your coven. This one is easier than religion but is still a hard sell. You're always going to have the pesky DEA to worry about, not to mention the fact that you're going to need a source of income to keep the drugs flowing into these people at first. I recommend this for better than average but not S-tier cult leaders, good public speakers and carnival barker types. This is the route you're old Uncle Jackie went... Hahaha, did I say went? I meant would go. Remember, I was tried but never convicted. There's a difference.
Choice #3 - Up Front Cunt
This one's for people who are chronically online. People who have had more porn than they've had pussy and other people who spend most of their day on social media. Basically anyone who's autistic or has a Reddit account. Literally just find people as dumb as you and say "Hey I'm starting a cult but we all have sex and do weird shit together"
I mean I imagine you'll definitely get some takers but... It'll mostly be dudes and fat girls who are all on the spectrum. But I mean hey, we all had to start somewhere right?
Choice #4 - The FLDS Method
Brigham Young? More like BRING EM YOUNG, amirite? No? Ok, moving on.
Choice #5 - I Didn't Put any Skill Points in Speech or Charisma
Okay so you couldn't talk your way into a date with a four. That's okay, some of us were meant to lead and some of us were meant to follow. And if you can't lead em, join em. Find a cult that you think you'll like and just sign up. Spend a lot of time around their leader, learn the blueprints. Don't talk, listen. Learn. One day when the leader dies of "undisclosed reasons" (wink wink) you should be at the point where everyone selects you as the new leader. And hey if you can't pull that off, just make sure you're a good sycophant to the leader and I'm sure he'll let you bang whatever concubine he's finished with. Remember, Confucius say "Sloppy seconds are better than not eating at all"
Ok, so now we've figured out what kind of method, our next step is getting the funds for this. Now you and I both know that most of us don't have the kind of money, motivation or patience to build our own Elohim City or Jonestown. But here's the beauty of it: if you're convincing enough, you can get these people the dump their life savings into it AND use them as slave labor to build your compound in whatever flyover state that has a sheriff's department that's going to turn a blind eye most of the time. It's a win win!
And using your own cult members as slave labor is like pistol whipping a child, it's a victimless crime! They are the ones building this compound to better their own lives, so unlike the ungrateful negroids in the 19th century they won't whine about bullshit like "freedom" or "seeing their family" or "being overworked". I mean Jesus, for people who are so good at sports you think they would have been happy to pick cotton. But I digress.
And remember the five dos and five don'ts of running a cult:
The 5 things to Do:
1. Do bribe local law enforcement. You can get away with a lot of small-time crimes and some low level felonies in your cult if the local sheriff just bought himself a new Escalade with your generous donation.
2. Do make sure that you feed your followers. I mean not for humanitarian reasons, I'm just asking who wants to have sex with a woman who looks like a burlap sack full of antlers?
3. Do make sure you keep it simple. Remember these people joined a fucking CULT, and I mean to be honest there's a reason it's the 10 commandments and not the 457 commandments.
4. Do make sure you have a significant source of income. Better bag a couple of rich rubes. Property taxes on a compound are fucking KILLER.
5. Do make sure you pull a Bin Laden and have high walls around your place and burn your own trash. You don't need pesky family members and private detectives all up in your business.
The 5 things to Don't:
1. Don't recruit a lot of minorities. They tend to get... uppity. I think a solid 5 to 1 ratio is good.
2. Don't recruit your family members. You don't want to be half in the bag on shrooms and peyote and accidentally fuck your sister. And I mean if you do that's probably a whole different kind of cult entirely.
3. Don't change your methodology halfway in. You can't go from a hardcore religious cult to a freaky sex cult and expect Mormons, Protestants and other uptight Bible thumpers to go for that.
4. Don't let anyone work on your website that isn't already a member. You don't want anyone trying to promote your shit unless they're already indoctrinated.
5. Don't ever think you can tell these idiots the truth. If they ever figure it out, it's over. Although if you do get bored it would be pretty funny to be like "I was just joking"
Haha, that's good fun. So follow these steps and I wish you continued success in your quest to start a cult. Hopefully I don't see you on TV having a standoff with automatic weapons with the ATF, but just in case I do... do me a solid and don't mention my name when you're talking to the hostage negotiators.
Have fun, and I'll see you again real soon.
Your friend (and mine),
~ Jack
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