Okay, listen. I don't need to know all the details about how we got here, all I know is that we got here and there's no bringing this hooker back.
Okay so the first thing you're going to want to do is make sure she's dead. Now I don't know about you but I have been fooled before. Take two fingers and apply them vigorously to the jugular and carotid artery. Do you feel a pulse? No? Ah, shit. It's a story as old as time.
Now I imagine if you're reading this you're not a politician, because they've got a guy they can call for dead hooker cleanup. If you are a politician, call that guy. Otherwise you need to do everything I say and hopefully we'll get out of this.
Now first things first, you're going to need to be hyper focused to fix this. Men's wearhouse says she's got some type of upper in her purse... I GUARANTEE it. Whether it's crank, or Adderall, maybe provigil or even Vyvanse... What you're going to want to do is take a hearty helping of whatever stimulant this dead little minx is holding. And I mean, not to sound like a heartless prick or anything but she's not going to spend that money in her purse so, ya know... looks like you got a freebie.
Now we're getting into some dangerous territory here, but I mean if she JUST died you can even fuck her one more time if you want to (FYI, if you found that repulsive I want you to know that I was just kidding)
So hopefully you didn't make some kind of a mess that can't be cleaned up. If you turned your motel room into what a toddler's high chair looks like after he's done eating ravioli, I don't know how to deal with that situation because I've never been in it. Also, I say motel and not hotel. If you actually took this girl to the type of place where you go inside with a concierge and room service with rooms that are down a hallway... You are both stupid and fucked. Good luck pushing her corpse out of the building on a luggage cart or trying to shitcan her off the balcony, Einstein. This is a prostitute, not your fucking mother. Motel 8 wasn't good enough? But anyways, if you're in some kind of no tell motel where you can back your car almost right up to the door, then we're in business.
Now the most important thing here is you want to be respectful to the body (after you fucked it, because I imagine that not a lot of you were repulsed by what I said) the first thing that you want to do is wipe your penis off on the curtains. This part actually has nothing to do with anything, I just think that's really funny and it may very well provide a diversion if housekeeping finds out about it.
Now go to Walmart and get yourself a hooker-sized duffel bag and some gloves and those big alcohol wipes. If you ended up porking a porker or a man-sized prostitute (hey I'm not here to judge I'm just here to help you get rid of the bitch) you're going to need to get two duffle bags, some bleach and a couple of hacksaws as well. Obviously you buy the saws at different stores than you do the duffel bags and bleach. Pay for it in cash.
Now hopefully you can just stuff your petite hooker into the one duffel bag in the fetal position and then carry the bag out to the trunk. I realize that a human corpse weighs more, but when a girl is only 90 pounds she's only 90 pounds. You can deadlift that, pussy. Now if your hooker is NOT Halloween candy size like she should be, first of all let this be a lesson to you to sleep with smaller hookers. But I'm not here to berate you right now, that's the judge's job at sentencing if you get caught... Which hopefully you won't if you're listening to my advice.
(You can skip this part if you got yourself a tiny hooker like a gentleman and a scholar would)
So drag your enormous hooker into the bathroom, and what you're going to do is saw her in half like a magician. Again, I cannot stress this enough: YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE SHE'S DEAD BEFORE YOU DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN FOOLED BEFORE. A good place to make the cut is right below the belly button ring so use that as a marker. Do not do anything stupid like using an electric saw as that will attract unnecessary attention due to the noise and it will spray blood everywhere. If your bathroom looks like the ending of a Saw movie there really was no point in this was there? Most of the blood will go down the drain, so you put the pieces of your hooker into the bags and empty the bleach into the bathtub. This will get rid of any pesky DNA. About halfway through you're going to want to use the plunger to kind of move the blood and bleach mixture around in the u-trap. Unattended DNA in the u-trap is how you get caught and it's quite frankly a rookie move.
(Ok, back to the advice regardless of hooker size)
So now you have your petite hooker bag, or your two bags full of giant hooker. Wipe the bodies down completely with the alcohol wipes. I mean if they find the pieces later sure your semen is going to be in them, but so is like 20 other guys so it's going to be a big suspect pool. Take the bags out to the trunk of the car. Don't be weird and smile and say hi to people, don't be surly and evil looking either. You're just a normal ass dude taking your clothes and putting them in the trunk because you're about to leave. Speak to people only when they engage in conversation with you first. Do not be afraid to look people in the eye and give them a polite smile or nod. Remember, having just killed a hooker is like being on LSD. You think everyone can tell, but in reality you're the only one who knows. Oh and I almost forgot, don't be a dick... spray some air freshener in there. Hopefully her body was fresh enough that the room doesn't need it but you already wiped your penis off on the curtains (fucking lol) so the least you could do is make the room nice before you leave.
Now what you do from this point is up to you. I recommend going home and getting a shovel and taking her somewhere where you can dig a hole that has to be at least 5 feet deep. You don't want any pesky critters digging her up. You can dissolve her in acid like Walter White for all I care, my job of getting you out of immediate danger is done. Making the body disappear is YOUR job, not mine, Houdini.
But yeah... I would say burying her is the best bet. 5-6 foot deep grave. DO NOT bury her on any property you own. That's a rookie mistake, and will probably end with you killing a couple of detectives investigating her disappearance and I really don't know how to get you out of that one.
As for T-Bone or whatever colorful name her pimp has, if he knows you or knows where you live that's a whole nother can of worms entirely. I can tell you this though: money gets rid of a lot of problems with these people. So ya know... pay him off and move on.
And most importantly,
BE MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR HOOKER NEXT TIME
Okay so the first thing you're going to want to do is make sure she's dead. Now I don't know about you but I have been fooled before. Take two fingers and apply them vigorously to the jugular and carotid artery. Do you feel a pulse? No? Ah, shit. It's a story as old as time.
Now I imagine if you're reading this you're not a politician, because they've got a guy they can call for dead hooker cleanup. If you are a politician, call that guy. Otherwise you need to do everything I say and hopefully we'll get out of this.
Now first things first, you're going to need to be hyper focused to fix this. Men's wearhouse says she's got some type of upper in her purse... I GUARANTEE it. Whether it's crank, or Adderall, maybe provigil or even Vyvanse... What you're going to want to do is take a hearty helping of whatever stimulant this dead little minx is holding. And I mean, not to sound like a heartless prick or anything but she's not going to spend that money in her purse so, ya know... looks like you got a freebie.
Now we're getting into some dangerous territory here, but I mean if she JUST died you can even fuck her one more time if you want to (FYI, if you found that repulsive I want you to know that I was just kidding)
So hopefully you didn't make some kind of a mess that can't be cleaned up. If you turned your motel room into what a toddler's high chair looks like after he's done eating ravioli, I don't know how to deal with that situation because I've never been in it. Also, I say motel and not hotel. If you actually took this girl to the type of place where you go inside with a concierge and room service with rooms that are down a hallway... You are both stupid and fucked. Good luck pushing her corpse out of the building on a luggage cart or trying to shitcan her off the balcony, Einstein. This is a prostitute, not your fucking mother. Motel 8 wasn't good enough? But anyways, if you're in some kind of no tell motel where you can back your car almost right up to the door, then we're in business.
Now the most important thing here is you want to be respectful to the body (after you fucked it, because I imagine that not a lot of you were repulsed by what I said) the first thing that you want to do is wipe your penis off on the curtains. This part actually has nothing to do with anything, I just think that's really funny and it may very well provide a diversion if housekeeping finds out about it.
Now go to Walmart and get yourself a hooker-sized duffel bag and some gloves and those big alcohol wipes. If you ended up porking a porker or a man-sized prostitute (hey I'm not here to judge I'm just here to help you get rid of the bitch) you're going to need to get two duffle bags, some bleach and a couple of hacksaws as well. Obviously you buy the saws at different stores than you do the duffel bags and bleach. Pay for it in cash.
Now hopefully you can just stuff your petite hooker into the one duffel bag in the fetal position and then carry the bag out to the trunk. I realize that a human corpse weighs more, but when a girl is only 90 pounds she's only 90 pounds. You can deadlift that, pussy. Now if your hooker is NOT Halloween candy size like she should be, first of all let this be a lesson to you to sleep with smaller hookers. But I'm not here to berate you right now, that's the judge's job at sentencing if you get caught... Which hopefully you won't if you're listening to my advice.
(You can skip this part if you got yourself a tiny hooker like a gentleman and a scholar would)
So drag your enormous hooker into the bathroom, and what you're going to do is saw her in half like a magician. Again, I cannot stress this enough: YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE SHE'S DEAD BEFORE YOU DO THIS, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN FOOLED BEFORE. A good place to make the cut is right below the belly button ring so use that as a marker. Do not do anything stupid like using an electric saw as that will attract unnecessary attention due to the noise and it will spray blood everywhere. If your bathroom looks like the ending of a Saw movie there really was no point in this was there? Most of the blood will go down the drain, so you put the pieces of your hooker into the bags and empty the bleach into the bathtub. This will get rid of any pesky DNA. About halfway through you're going to want to use the plunger to kind of move the blood and bleach mixture around in the u-trap. Unattended DNA in the u-trap is how you get caught and it's quite frankly a rookie move.
(Ok, back to the advice regardless of hooker size)
So now you have your petite hooker bag, or your two bags full of giant hooker. Wipe the bodies down completely with the alcohol wipes. I mean if they find the pieces later sure your semen is going to be in them, but so is like 20 other guys so it's going to be a big suspect pool. Take the bags out to the trunk of the car. Don't be weird and smile and say hi to people, don't be surly and evil looking either. You're just a normal ass dude taking your clothes and putting them in the trunk because you're about to leave. Speak to people only when they engage in conversation with you first. Do not be afraid to look people in the eye and give them a polite smile or nod. Remember, having just killed a hooker is like being on LSD. You think everyone can tell, but in reality you're the only one who knows. Oh and I almost forgot, don't be a dick... spray some air freshener in there. Hopefully her body was fresh enough that the room doesn't need it but you already wiped your penis off on the curtains (fucking lol) so the least you could do is make the room nice before you leave.
Now what you do from this point is up to you. I recommend going home and getting a shovel and taking her somewhere where you can dig a hole that has to be at least 5 feet deep. You don't want any pesky critters digging her up. You can dissolve her in acid like Walter White for all I care, my job of getting you out of immediate danger is done. Making the body disappear is YOUR job, not mine, Houdini.
But yeah... I would say burying her is the best bet. 5-6 foot deep grave. DO NOT bury her on any property you own. That's a rookie mistake, and will probably end with you killing a couple of detectives investigating her disappearance and I really don't know how to get you out of that one.
As for T-Bone or whatever colorful name her pimp has, if he knows you or knows where you live that's a whole nother can of worms entirely. I can tell you this though: money gets rid of a lot of problems with these people. So ya know... pay him off and move on.
And most importantly,
BE MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR HOOKER NEXT TIME
Last edited:
