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Need For Sneed

Need For Sneed

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Copypastas from here, there and everywhere. These could be established copypastas, or potentially new ones. I'll start.

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Don't rate this post autistic.

I trusted Null

I can pretty much trace my childhood and growth to adulthood alongside the sperging of Chris Chan/sonichu. It's funny how my maturation ended up paralleling that with Chris's growth as well. I guess I'm just blessed that by coincidence my birth happened at the exact time as Chris to make something like this even possible.

Wide eyed and excited, brash and sure of sonichu and video games in the world, I felt drawn to Chris like no other Autistic had ever drawn me before. A few years later I was a little more vulnerable, and understanding of my need for friendship and trust, just like Chris, and Chris and I were going through the same experiences in our lives.

I followed Chris and was rewarded for my trust with only the greatest lolcow to ever grace the internet. Bold, deep, mature, Chris was everything I was craving. The loss of Bob Chandler paralleled a deep personal loss I had experienced just prior IRL, and just like with Chris, I felt like Chris and I sort of got through the tough periods together.

This continued with Chris's Troon phase, and was a joyful reminder of youth and things past, and a sense that it was okay to recapture lost youth and even revel in it, even if its time was past.

Once again I came to Kiwifarms to pick up where Chris had left off. I would talk about how Chris mirrored my brash entry into a more adult world and relations with the opposite sex, and Troon Chris led to my understanding and acceptance of that other sex as a full time part in my life, but I just don't have the heart. My soul is crushed. I can't even think about talking about Chris right now I just can't.

I came to Kiwifarms to talk about Chris and not much else. I put my trust in Null, in Kiwifarms, in myself. That trust has been broken. I really don't know what I am feeling right now but it is unfamiliar. I'm angry, but it is more than that. Part of Kiwifarms was making a total commitment to the Farms, and being rewarded for that commitment with a barrage of emotions, feelings, and sensations that only a lolcow carefully crafted in a symbiotic relationship with a single user could provide. Now that Null has violated my trust, and this bond, it's not going to be the same this time.

I hate to say it, but it looks like I am going to have to forge a life on my own now, without Kiwifarms guiding me along. But right now, all I feel I can do is cry.
 
BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPsnnnnniiiiiiffffffffffff...oh yes my dear....sssnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff....quite pungent indeed...is that....dare I say....sssssssnniff...eggs I smell?......sniff sniff....hmmm...yes...quite so my darling....sniff....quite pungent eggs yes very much so .....ssssssssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiffffff....ah yes...and also....a hint of....sniff....cheese.....quite wet my dear....sniff...but of yes...this will do nicely....sniff.....please my dear....another if you please....nice a big now....BBBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPFFFFFF Oh yes...very good!....very sloppy and wet my dear....hmmmmm...is that a drop of nugget I see on the rim?...hmmmm.....let me.....let me just have a little taste before the sniff my darling.......hmmmmm....hmm..yes....that is a delicate bit of chocolate my dear....ah yes....let me guess...curry for dinner?....oh quite right I am....aren't I?....ok....time for sniff.....sssssnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff.....hmmm...hhhmmmmm I see...yes....yes indeed as well curry......hmmm....that fragrance is quite noticeable....yes.....onion and garlic chutney I take it my dear?.....hmmmmm....yes quite.....BBBBBBRRRRRRRRPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT Oh I was not expecting that…that little gust my dear….you caught me off guard…yes…so gentle it was though…hmmmm…let me taste this little one…just one small sniff…..sniff…ah….ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffff…and yet…so strong…yes…the odor….sniff sniff…hmmm….is that….sniff….hmmm….I can almost taste it my dear…..yes….just…sniff….a little whiff more if you please…..ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffff…ah yes I have it now….yes quite….hhhhmmmm…delectable my dear…..quite exquisite yes…..I dare say…sniff….the most pungent one yet my dear….ssssnnnnniiiifffffffffffffffffffffff….yes….
 
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
 
I've come to really love reddit these past few months. I'm really more of a reader of reddit than a poster but I do post on subreddits uh that are about things that I really like, and what I really love about reddit is there is a subreddit for anything you can imagine, almost literally. TV Shows, Movies, or Music Groups, Music Genres, or uh interests of sorts, or hobbies that people like to partake in, anything you can imagine there is more than likely a subreddit dedicated to it, filled with a community of people who are just as into or obsessed with that thing you really like. And again that's what I really really love about reddit, but what I don't love is all these youtube channels that have been popping up in recent months that are just dedicated to reading reddit threads, and youtube really loves to recommend the FUCK out of these channels and jam it down people's throat because uh i uh um it's all uh I uh almost can't go a day without browsing youtube and just bumping into a fucking reddit thread video, and the videos are pretty much the same thing every time.
 
Gimme gimme Chicken Tendies. Be they crispy, or from Wendy's. Spend my hard-earned Good Boy Points, on kid's meal, ballpit, burger joints. Mummy lifts me to the car, to find me tendies near and far. Enjoy my tasty tendie treats, in comfy big boy booster seats. Mcdonald's, Hardee's, Popeye's, Cane's, But of my tendies, none remains. She tries to make me take a nappy, but sleeping doesn't make me happy. Tendies are the only food, that puts me in the napping mood. I'll scream, I'll shout, I'll make a fuss. I'll scratch, I'll bite, I'll even cuss! Tendies are my heart's desire, fueled by raging, hungry fire! Mummy sobs and wails and cries, but tears aren't tendies, nuggs or fries. My Good Boy Points are fairly earned, to buy the tendies that I've yearned. But there's no tendies on my plate. Did Mummy think that I'd just ate? Tendies, Tendies, get them NOW! YOU FAT, UNGRATEFUL, SLUGGISH SOW I SCREECH WHILE HURLING INTO HER EYES, MY FOUL BOUL DIAPER SURPRISE, FOR SHE WHO IS POOPED ON IS SHE WHO REMEMBERS, NEVER FORGET MY CHICKEN TENDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
You subhuman baboon. You literal nigger.

How dare you speak, you swarthy jungle monkey. How dare you open your big lipped, rim encrusted, menthol cigarette smelling mouth?

You are human trash, Diego Tyrone LeShawn de Maradona. Universally despised, derided and mocked. Your nationality and skin tone offers no hope to the world that South America can ever prosper. Crawl back in to the Brazilian jungle you came out of, you literal orangutan.

I hope you decide to sail your grandfathers skip to the Falklands and rape some sheep, as is in the negroes nature. It would still be the whitest pussy you ever had. Give Nigel and Robert a chance for some target practice, your sole use to the world. Argentinians obsession with a few windswept islands in the Atlantic is hilarious but sad. Coincidentally its the only worthwhile contribution Argentina has made to the medical field. The MUH LAS MALVINAS sentiment in the average negro Argentinian is both an early warning sign of autism in children, and early on set Alzheimer's in adults.

Take your black hairy fingers off your keyboard, and never talk about the human species again, you mockery of our supposed shared ancestor.. No amount of olive oil and wheat flour slabbed on your face every morning will make you white. It's about as delusional of an idea as your daydreams of European heritage.

You nigger.

You make Bolivia look like a beacon of civilisation.

You are the Baltimore of South America.

Go fertilise the pampas with you and your families corpses, its the best you can hope for in life. For the first time in your life, nigger, you have a job making food for beings vastly superior to yourself. Uruguayan cattle. Coincidentally, it would be the first time an Argentinian "man" provided for a family.

Die, Diego. No one would miss you. Except for Australian Aboriginals, who now would have no one to make them look good.
 
I don't feel like downloading the zip file that I dumped on KF, so I've made a fresh archive of my copypasta folder. There are a few additions that weren't present in the KF dump, so enjoy. This will probably be the last time I dump my collection.
 

Attachments

After I'm done with him, the owl will have no wings with which to fly.

No eyes with which to see.

No feathers with which to keep his body warm.

The only thing he will have is a new butthole, perfectly sized for my new cock.
 
I'm Feline Darkmage (AKA; FDM, Felicia Hardy, DarkmageKF, KiwiDarkmage, and Purr) and I'm [redacted] years old and I work part-time in fast food. My hobbies mainly revolve around the internet, videogames, music, and sometimes movies or comic books.

I'm gay and retired.

Moderator from March 10th 2017 to October 18 2019
 
If I was in a room with Hitler, Osama Bin Ladin, and Isabelle from animal crossing, and I had a gun with two bullets. I would shoot Hitler and Bin Ladin just to get some alone time with Isabelle. Holy shit I want to put my rock hard cock in Isabelles tight dog pussy and eject a gallon of sperm into her soft fur. Isabelle is so fucking sexy I jerk off to rule 34 art of Isabelle every night. I run through more Isabelle hentai than can be created. My entire fortune is going toward funding the genetic engineering of a real life Isabelle just so I can fuck her tight dog pussy. Holy fucking shit. I want to bang the animal crossing dog so goddamn bad. I can't stand it anymore. Every time I go to the town hall I get a massive erection. I've seen literally every rule 34 post there is of her online. My dreams are nothing but constant fucking sex with Isabelle. I'm sick of waking up every morning with six nuts in my boxers and knowing that those are nuts that should've been busted inside of Isabelle's tight dog pussy. I want her to have my mutant human/dog babies.

Fuck, my fucking mom caught me with the neighbors dog. I'd dressed her in my sister's skirt and went to fucking town. She hasn't said a word to me in 10 hours and I'm worried she's gonna take away my 3DS. I might not ever get to see Isabelle again.
 
Once taken place in a terribly dreadful time, there was a small cat-licking bird that lived on a not-so-big lane by my house whose name was Charles just like every other soul, male or female, that lived on my smelly, stinky, orange, old, rotten, messy, busted cul-de-sac between Belmont and Rose which are both awfully gay Streets Like North street or some shit that reminds me of a celebrity like Paris Hilton or some blonde loser that doesn't even know the capital of her own country, which is the United States of America aka: The U.S.A which is a pristine nation of beauty, opposing to a country as the country of Somalia and Belgium, a part of Europe, which doesn't even have a government, it's just in a complete state of anarchy just like my mind and soul which are both filled with outrageous nonsense that I'm typing down right now into some fat long sentence that probably makes no sense but who cares I'm trying to set some sort of weird record here like most ducks snorted or some weird thing like that and if I do set some sort of record I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records (though anti-American and pro-European, a place of pitty and despair as Somalia is) which was always my dream because that book has a whole bunch a cool and weird stuff in it and I would Become famous and add to the weirdness of the book like some of their records which reminds me of the Rob & Big where Rob sets all of those skateboarding Records And Big Black eats bananas and donuts and three weeks later they both get plaques saying the record they set and I want to get one of those so that's why I'm writing all of this stuff down without ever using a period or some other sentence ending mark like an exclamation point or a question mark or any other symbol that could possibly end my streak of words that is really long now and would take me a while to count just like counting sheep which is supposed to put you to sleep but it really keeps you awake because you want to keep counting and counting until you don't know what comes after trillions, but that would take Years or something because it would take a while just to count a trillion seconds or minutes would be even worse just like how ducks are worse that geese because they are more aggressive around their young unlike great white sharks which are often eaten by their mothers when they are born and the ones who do make it out alive have no mother to teach them how to hunt or whatever because none of that matters because us human beings have mothers unless they die or run off with some CEO of a big company or someone else who makes a lot of money and then they leave you with your dad and you are jealous of your friends if you have any because they have moms and you don't because your mom was some greedy pig who wanted money but ended up only getting the money part and she bought drugs because she was depressed and ended up killing herself from an overdose and you wouldn't even know about it until you become some rich person and check the files somewhere and learn that she died of a overdose and you eyes get all teary and then you start crying because you know that you wouldn't be alive without that woman you called mom and I just found out right now that the longest sentence is like 10,000 words so I have a ways to go and you have to go with me so let's go to 6th gear and throw out some words like Emphysema which I had to do a report on in 4th grade because we had a ton of projects and this was the disease one and we chose diseases out of a hat and I came out with Emphysema which is a form of lung cancer which is 98% caused by smoking which reminds me of the way my dad describes smoking: "you get plant leaves, wrap them in paper, light it on fire and suck on it" which is normally a sentence but not today because I'm setting out on the quest for a long sentence that I'm typing up which reminds me of a story my grandpa told me about himself when he was "your age" about how they covered the letters on the type writers and they had to type so that they could memorize where the letters are on a type writer and my grandpa says he will never regret taking that class because it helped him out a lot when it came to typing and now a days he is not bad a typing at all because He is almost as fast as me because I am a pretty fast typer and writing this article isn't taking very long and expect being pretty far pretty soon at the pace I'm going right now so there are going to be some serious records getting busted when I'm finally finished writing this article on this dumb website which will probably end up huffing this article even though it is fun-packed and joyful and keeps the reader reading when they use that excuse to mom saying "just one more sentence" but that sentence is 10,000 words long and still continuing to go at a reasonable pace and it is going to shatter most of those long sentence records just like how the chargers are going to shatter the most consecutive years without a super bowl win record and I doubt that they will win one in the near future but they patriots are going to win some serious super bowls because they are the best team ever even better than the cowboys or 49ers and no one cares a bout them so go patriots and boo chargers even though I live in San Diego and Like the Padres I hate the Chargers because they are bad and the padres are bad too but I don't care because they are my favorite team and the dodgers are my least favorite along with the Yankees because the Yankees get a lot of money to spend and the padres and marlins get almost nothing and then the Yankees buy a-rod for a lot and the Rays get almost no money but are still fighting for first place this season without expensive players like Derek Jeter or a-rod or Johnny Damon or whoever because they are an all around better team that can beat the Yankees even though the Yankees can beat the royals a lot who really suck because they suck more that the padres do and so do the mariners and Rockies even thought the Rockies went to the world series last year they lost and haven't stopped losing for a while now, either and they are last place in the NL west and that is where the padres used to be but they started hitting home runs and winning games and are dong pretty good right now despite having little offense except for Adrian Gonzalez who is leading the NL in RBI's even though he is on the team who scores the least runs in the league but they are not last in homeruns though they are like 5 away or something but I’m not sure so screw that and let's talk about something fun like water or food or dirt or something but I think food is the best because their is a lot of things to talk about with food like you r favorite food which mine happens to be some spicy burrito form Chipotle mexican grill and it is very good just like this macaroni my mom made one time that had bread crumbs on top and it was very good like all of the food they serve on top chef which I wish I could be a judge for because they have a lot of good food on that show and it makes my mouth water whenever I watch it and that is why I watch it because the food is totally awesome and sometimes I hate the people but they end up getting eliminated like the Dance crews in France's Best Dance Crew which is a great show and you should watch it because people do good dancing like the JFrabbawockeez because they won the first season and they are very good just like supreme soul and So real crew and phresh select and super cr3w and I’m only at 1500 words right now so I have to write some serious stuff like a life biography about myself and anything I’ve ever done which includes going to big bear to ski, fishing, breathing, swimming, going, farting, eating, sleeping and a whole lot more stuff which reminds me of 4th grade again when my teacher was debating with the class whether "a lot" was one or two words and all of the kids including myself said one while the teacher said two and he was right and we were wrong but no one cared because we all had fun arguing about and I have fun arguing with my friends about football and not baseball because in baseball we all like the same team but in football I like the patriots and my friends like the chargers and the 49ers and the eagles and the saints but my team always woops their team's ass and they say that the patriots "cheat" and that's how they won even though the patriots just pwned their team and they suck and my team is good but we all agree when it comes to baseball because we all like the padres and we never really argue over anything in baseball which is my favorite sport and I play it and I am good a it and I want it to be my profession but I doubt that that will happen so my backup plan is being a cop because you get all of the benefits and you get paid after you retire which is good news and I would also like to be some government dude or something like that because they get the benefits too so it would be cool to work for the government which reminds me that my principal worked at the white house and taught the president email because he was the computer guy or something like that so h knows a whole bunch of computer crap like my dad and he is fat too so everyone makes fun of him and I think he huffs kittens too but I am not sure and about that and what the hell is up with all the noob and kitten huffing on this gay ass website like all of the things like "the writer may have been huffing kittens" and stuff like that it really annoys the hell out of me just like other things such as when people clip their finger nails it makes that weird noise that get me all crazy and I hate it just like how me friend hates the sound of chalk on a chalkboard which I find soothing and relaxing but he gets really annoyed and psyched out and he is also very pale-skinned and so is the rest of his family so it must have been some genetic thing like twins and clones and whole bunch of other confusing science crap that I learned a long time ago in 7th grade or something which was when we watched movies in class like UHF which has "Weird Al" Yankovic in it and it is very funny because "Weird Al" Yankovic has to save a TV station with a whole bunch of weird shows like wheel of fish and rauls wild kingdom with a whole bunch of cool animals like flamingos and turtles and stuff like that but who cares lets get to the meaty part of this article which is the part where I write the longest word known to man which is Methionylthreonylthreonyl...isoleucine which is cut out because it has 189,819 words so Wikipedia had to cut out the middle part and the longest word is the name of a protein which is the largest known to man to so big names go to big things is apparently the moral of this story ladies and gentleman the road doesn't stop here and I have to continue no matter what you say or think so I should just write some story now that has no periods so lets start with a guy named Carl who liked fish and women and he went to Clara’s house and they had a good food but that isn't enough of a story to set the record so I think I’ll just stick to writing random crap which really makes no sense at all and here is some random picture that shows a guy who has two legs and another guy who has three who is mocking the guy with two legs because he rips his flesh in disgust every night and you think about who would be dumb enough to rip their flesh instead of cut the ring off or something that doesn't involve entirely gruesome crap like that and I have another life after this one just like how cats have 9 lives I have three because I’m on my second one right now and it is great and you might think I’m a whole new person but you are thinking wrong it's just when I died I came back t life and next time I die I’ll come back to life again and then when I die I’ll be dead for sure which reminds me of Stephen king's book called pet sematary which is coo because people come back to life because there was a burial ground that bring people back to life if they are dead and that book is a great book and you should read it along with the Harry Potter series which has magic in it and it is cool too so don't shank yourself when you are cutting that meat for dinner or you might die of massive blood loss or might just need a band aid I mean that works too or you don't even need a band aid because I don't use them and I have never gotten and infection in my life so maybe I’m lucky or have an alligator immune system or something but I don't use band aids and I don't use Neosporin on my cuts so I’m some sort of miracle I guess but I’m wasting twenty minutes of my miracle life on this retard article that I just want the Guinness book of world records to see and go that is the longest thing ever and have me in their book so I’m striving towards that goal right now and I’m not stopping until I hit at least 3000 words and then I’ll do the construction thing and finish thing up tomorrow or sometime after now and I will be the author of the longest single sentence on the planet earth which will be a real accomplishment on my part so you can be real jealous right now because I am making history right in front of you and if you are still reading this I am truly impressed because this article must be getting really boring by now and maybe your not even reading this just scanning the article for periods which I’m afraid you will not find until the very end of this article which is a very, very, long way away and if you are a slow reader well sucks for you but now I have to use that construction thing and I will finish this and now I am back after a hard day at work but I’m still going now so get ready to rumble with this long thing called a sentence that is as long as Mt. Everest is tall and the Marinas Trench is deep and speaking of the ocean fish of all kinds live in the ocean such as puffer fish which are poisonous to eat if not prepared right and will make you die after and you ADMINS BETTER NOT DELETE THIS BECAUSE IT IS SOME RECORD and if you do delete it well I will have this saved and what will you do then you people who will want to delete this because you don't care about people trying to break records so don't delete this or I will boycott Uncyclopedia and will be very mad at you guys like how I am Mad at Tim for being so annoying just like Celebrities and loud people and people who don't brush their teeth which makes me think of killing myself except I wouldn't do that because I am some sort of miracle as you probably read before or not because you are tired of reading this jumble of words that are still making a grammatically correct sentence that is breaking records right now and I won't stop until you let me break some serious records like longest sentence and some other weird stuff that I might get an award for or something but I also want that Guinness record plaque that you get for setting a monster record like most consecutive noses picked with boogers in them or something completely obscure like that which is like a bunch of the articles on this website which are actually some times funny like how to solve a one by one by one Rubik’s cube which made me laugh pretty good and the star wars one is good too so never delete those two because they are funny unlike this article because this article is more boring than funny but who cares some retard might laugh at this bundle of crap and I think that I will put that crap tag on this article so people know that this article isn't really funny but that it is long and boring like Dances with Wolves and some other long movies that you actually fall asleep during which is hard for me to do so I tend not to nut I did when I watched Dances with Wolves because it was really boring like counting sheep to a trillion or some other large number that some little kid says he wishes he had that many dollars but he will never get that many dollars because there isn't even that many in circulation right now and if there was that would be some major inflation right there so don't think you can get that much money kid because then you would not be doing this country a favor which it desperately needs I might add so instead burn money instead of make it and lower inflation rates and do everyone a favor except for the people who are already really rich and don't care about inflation and would rather drive an escalade instead of a Prius in times like this with all of the gas prices and stuff that would drive up your bill but they don't notice because they have a lot of money and don't care therefore they should die and burn in hell with all of the lawyers and other bad people on this ball we call earth that really isn't a perfect sphere because of the mountains and valleys makes it look all jagged but from space it looks like a sphere but looks may be deceiving so don't think that the world is a sphere no matter what other people say and tell them to eat themselves when they try to convince you that the earth is really a sphere but it isn't just like how most ignorant people think that Columbus found America but he really didn't that was Leif Erickson, but Columbus really found the Bahamas thinking they were penis outside of china and he was wrong so everyone forget Columbus and remember some other sailor like Henry Hudson who tried to find the northern passage but didn't so his crew killed him but a he was a great man any way so remember him instead of Columbus or remember William Penn who created Pennsylvania or remember your grandma or someone but not Columbus so go ahead and think that the earth is flat even though it isn't and it can have for corners if you think about it so go die and fall off a cliff or something interesting like that or at least get a life that want’ to penis e a cool record like the one I'm setting right now so go to a pawnshop and buy a life or kill yourself and get a new one or something weird like that or I will force you to and if you are still reading this you are an amazing human because I forget most of the stuff I’ve written already except for the great white shark thing at the beginning of the article and I remember that I need to go see some good movies tomorrow or sometime in the near future like within a week or something but forget that I'm only at 3500 words now so lets go to 4000 penis and then maybe I’ll call it quits because this is boring and I would rather write another article that is good and long but not all one sentence like this one so let's come up with some final five hundred words or so to say before I stop writing all of the nonsense so let's brainstorm ideas like poo, ducks, lemons, flanges, more ducks and star wars which sound about like enough and I like star wars out of there so let's talk about some penis star wars stuff like Kit Fisto who has weird tentacle things on his head and Ki-Adi-Mundi who has two brains and is on the Jedi which is penis honor and privilege because it is and Kit Fisto gets killed by Palpatine in the 3rd movie like Mace Windu who is cool and I like his light saber because it is purple unlike the standard blue and green colors which I prefer green out of but most people seem to like the blue colors but who cares about them they like blue and green is better so you better not like blue or you are some lame person that will be lame for the rest of your life like some people who think that they are cool but are really posers and they live their life not knowing that they are continually mocked and made fun of all of the time behind their backs and that they are really dumb or something so go out and tell all of the posers you know to not be posers anymore and tell them that they should go jump in a lake or something insulting like that and make them run and cry and you can laugh at them and hope they don't tell their mom who will be mad at you so maybe you shouldn't even do that you should just laugh at them behind their backs while they live the poser life and I'm near 4000 words now so let me slow down now yeah I have about a hundred words left so let me write down the exact amount before I stop writing so let me finish this thing up by talking about donuts and their fried goodness and how they make you fat and stuff but they do taste good so you should eat them because they are good and they taste good even though you could get fat but no one cares so eat them and be happy and I am starting to near 4000 now so just be a bit patient and this has been fun guys so let me finish right about, where you should wait for it, and wait, 'till right about, where we are almost there, having just two more for that you should wait, while this actually isn’t going to stop because I want this to keep going for a little while longer so that I can still break some record but man am I tired so I think I will actually shut up now, nope this has to continue forever and will continue for years and then a Bert killed the 3-legged guy and ate his orange while pooping and then I shall say the bird's name is "a bird who walked across the street killed a guy with a Minecraft nose and stuff. Jesus Christ is my lord and savior.You guys probably think that that is the worlds longest sentence, but it's not,because I just keep on adding commas, and it's pretty easy, if you think about it, so anyway there is this girl at school and she's my friend, and all but she's turning really mean, its a different person, and I'm trying to beat the record, but that girl, who likes this boy, who likes this girl, and who likes this other boy, and that same kid likes this other girl, but that girl like another guy, but the guy is actually a 40 year old man that eats penis for a living for the ability to never show the meerkats who's doing the write things oh and my last remark is that socialism does not work because look at Europe and Greece which is failing miserably; America always wins, there is no doubt about America's beauty, Amen and I just made it longer, and longer still as I continue to talk and talk and talk and talk throughout this, though I believe it would be referred to more as typing, so I will continue to type and type and type and type and type until I grow bored of it, and I have so I will take my leave soon, but not before I say that I somehow managed to make this already super long sentence longer, so HALLELUJAH, but we are not done yet everything I just said IS NOT RELEVANT to daily life, if you read this all you have no life, did u mention I like waffles and pancakes and people and gay marriage. This is a hell of a sentence peeps. What ever the man did the child would not wake up from the bullet that entered his head and he woke up again to find himself in heaven and then he felt fire and it was hot very hot very hot very hot very hot very hot but then he said "so" and he was alive again, alive, alive, alive, alive and then he flew like a bird and he looked in the mirror and saw his wings and his beak and his legs he was a bird like wow like what like wow like what that's so cool but then a dragon came and saved the bird and turned him into a princess and he had to live with the dragons and it was so boring and like who wrote this, who has the time to do this, because I obviously don't, and many other people don't, such as the president, CEO's of companies, terrorists, workers, kids, parents, adults, and many other people, but who even gives a fuck about what we're doing, because this is all bullshit.
 
Rawr x3 *nuzzles* how are you *pounces on you* you're so warm o3o *notices you have a bulge* o: someone's happy ;) *nuzzles your necky wecky~* murr~ hehehe *rubbies your bulgy wolgy* you're so big :oooo *rubbies more on your bulgy wolgy* it doesn't stop growing ·///· *kisses you and lickies your necky* daddy likies (; *nuzzles wuzzles* I hope daddy really likes $: *wiggles butt and squirms* I want to see your big daddy meat~ *wiggles butt* I have a little itch o3o *wags tail* can you please get my itch~ *puts paws on your chest* nyea~ its a seven inch itch *rubs your chest* can you help me pwease *squirms* pwetty pwease *sad face* I need to be punished *runs paws down your chest and bites lip like I need to be punished really good~ paws on your bulge as I lick my lips* I'm getting thirsty. I can go for some milk *unbuttons your pants as my eyes glow* you smell so musky :v *licks shaft* mmmm~ so musky *drools all over your cock* your daddy meat I like *fondles Mr. Fuzzy Balls* hehe *puts snout on balls and inhales deeply* oh god im so hard~ *licks balls* punish me daddy~ nyea~ *squirms more and wiggles butt* I love your musky goodness *bites lip* please punish me *licks lips* nyea~ *suckles on your tip* so good *licks pre of your cock* salty goodness~ *eyes role back and goes balls deep* mmmm~ *moans and suckles*
 
I used to masturbate onto birds at a local park. Not a thing that I'm particularly proud of but I became quite good at it. I was taking zinc supplements so I was shooting massive loads and it became something of a sport to me. For anyone interested here is your best strategy. first, you need to find an isolated spot so you don't become a sex offender. I found a short kind of channel area where I saw the pigeons would congregate. Next, you arouse yourself. I was usually content with envisioning the occasional jogging lady coming over and taking a shit on my chest and that was enough to fuel the fire but if you're not as sexually charged as me just take some porn on the go. After you're good an horny, you get some bread. My pigeons preferred white bread but healthier birds might have a taste for honey wheat or maybe even multigrain. Fat, unhealthy birds are slower and easier to hit so remember that. Once you are seated on the bench and ready to do the deed, whip your roosevelt out and scatter bread out within a few feet of you. use your judgement based on how far you know you can cum. I was a lonely and depraved soul who could hit targets the size of a thimble at distances up to 4 feet. You wait for the pigeons to begin eating and to get comfortable with your presence. At this point, you want to coo gently and talk sensually to them to gain their trust. Now you're finally ready to cum on your bird. This is a tough part because the rapid motion of masturbation is very frightening to the birds, so you have to be subtle. Once you master a technique, you simply wind it up and let it go, aiming depending on your past cumming experiences. I always came high so I would aim for the neck of the bird and catch it right in the face. It's an extremely satisfying and erotic feeling, seeing those birds reel around covered in cum and maybe even transporting it to other places in the city. Either way I haven't done it in years but every now and then I catch myself gazing wistfully at a flock of birds, cock throbbing and waiting for them to land close to me.
 
Haha...you fool.....did you not know............that I am hard......so I go hard? " He'd shuffle into the shadows, donning his usual Sephiroth outfit that he'd kept for his days of Kiwi brutality, fully prepared to oppress the virtual masses of this cybernetic kingdom he called home.

"I don't think......you want to fuck with me.........when I'm on the war path........." Shuffling into the shadows yet again, his blackened cloak following his every move like that of a shadowy wisp, he'd jot down their names in his little black book. "You're...fucked...
 
Hello Something Awful. First of all, I would just like to specify that this is not my account, this was loaned to me to make this post. I understand that account sharing is against the rules, but hopefully, considering the circumstances, an exception will be made.

I will not be using this account for long.Lowtax is going to be giving me my own account tomorrow. He has not read this post yet, but I do have his permission to post it.

I am Kiwi Farms user 'OwO What's This?' you might have recognized my avatar from this funny YouTube video:

I imagine a lot of you have very strong feelings about Kiwi Farms, and that's fine. I'm going to lift the veil as to the motives of a lot of our activities, and as to why the site is gone now.

I feel like I should do the former first.

First of all, something to understand: There was never a real war with Something Awful, at least not from our perspective. Doxxing in our community served several purposes, but believe it or not, none of them was harassment. With respect to your community, it was a tactic used to pop social bubbles, damage safe spaces, and lift a mirror up to your community.

In that respect, it worked wonders, despite loving up hilariously a couple times - like when a 'double agent' informant got us to dox the Goatse guy. Let me tell you, I found it HILARIOUS, but there were those behind the scenes that were quite bitter about the trick. Whichever goon got us with that deserves a medal.


But let's be real: You wouldn't have been a fun target if your community was doing well. It's not. There were many of those within our community who not only felt like you would be a fun target, but felt a sense of injustice that a site that used to be so legendary, a site they were a part of, was dramatically changing into one that prioritized people's feelings over comedy.

There is an extremely vocal minority on your website trying to play morality police and shut down conversation.

The decision to start this mock war with your website happened when your Shmorky thread was successfully shut down by the combined efforts of a mutinous administration and their defence of a user spamming up the thread for many pages to make it unreadable.
But before poo poo got dirty, the site's owner, Null, tried his hardest to reach out to Lowtax and LadyAmbien to try to help while holding back the wolves best he could. When that proved fruitless, he stopped standing in the way.

A lot of laughs were had, and the only regret shared was a lot of it came at Lowtax's expense.

The grand irony of ironies is that if you had listened to Lowtax in the first place none of this would have even happened - and he's the one taking the most heat. Which is not to say Lowtax is completely blameless... he really should've stood his ground on a lot of issues.

Moderators were walking all over him in public. Almost any other community, your rear end would've been handed to you for pulling something like that. My guess is a lot of people felt 'immune' due to how close-knit the moderation team is. The massive solidarity walk-out recently is evidence of this.
In fact, one of your moderators was so angry that despite hating Kiwi Farms, they were going to let us into the mod forum and archive everything simply out of spite. And we weren't going to say no.
And speaking of turncoats, for all the allegations of transphobia placed on Kiwi Farms, there's something you should know - almost 100% of the information regarding transgender members of your community came from transgender people in your community - people who felt like they were shut down for wrongthink by both their peers and the backing of the administration.
Of all the admin panels bans (bans that don't show up in the Leper's Colony or on people's avatars) doled out after the grand doxxing, you only managed to hit one of our informants. Literally everyone else was innocent, and I'm not making that up to help anyone.

To prove it, I would like to let you all in on another ruse - Jenner is not a troll account. She is real. Because she was trying SO HARD to get targeted by us so she could become some sort of martyr, we came up with the narrative that we discovered she was playing all of you as some sort of master class long term troll.
It was wonderful to see the bait taken by so many goons pretending not to have been reading the thread. But make no mistake - so many people bought it for good reason. When you looked at her behavior, you wanted her to be fake. That's what made the lie so appealing. It is a secret we would've kept and giggled to ourselves forever had Kiwi Farms not been shut down.
Which... brings me to that unfortunate story. Null is a huge believer in free speech, and would allow just about anything to be said on his website so long as it was legal. And whether or not you agreed or disagreed with our methods, it was legal. He sees the world as becoming too big and complicated for any major public figure to face any sort of scrutiny for their actions unless it came at the sacrifice of privacy.
In other words, with the incomprehensible amount of people involved in influencing the world around us and the field of journalism becoming an entertainment industry, Kiwi Farms was viewed as the lesser of two evils. If it meant to have the dick pics of EVERYONE to get to the bottom of who is accountable for what, so be it.
It is so easy in this day and age to sweep things under the rug, and if Kiwi Farms hadn't existed when it did, Shmorky wouldn't have been exposed as a pedophile.

And whether or not you agree with that principle, it was a principle Null strongly believed in.
He sacrificed everything for his website up until the bitter end. Kiwi Farms made an enemy, one hell of an enemy. No, not Derek Smart. This was a man with no ethics or morals, who went to any end necessary to achieve his goals. He is a man so dangerous, that even saying his name on your website puts you at risk. Now doesn't that sound silly? I imagine some of you are chuckling at the idea.

But it is true. He is a man that fancies himself a literal terrorist. And for the sake of irony, I'll refer to him as Voldemort.

Without the benefit of the KF resources in front of me, it is hard to delve into specifics. Voldemort completely ruined Null's life from top to bottom, but Null wouldn't quit.
Even with himself becoming unhireable due to the harassment he faced, he stuck to his principles. He wasn't going to let someone else tell him what to do. That's when Voldemort started going after Null's family. But so principled was Null that for the longest time, even as his family was harassed, he still said no. It put him at an awful strain with every relative he had.

But finally, a line was crossed. Voldemort's harassment of his mother finally became too much for him to bear. His campaign involved sending childing pornography to everyone involved in her real estate career under an endless supply of pseudonyms. Her real estate license was revoked.
And something else happened very recently that he has not gotten into, not even with me, that finally convinced him to pull the plug on the entire website.

Terrorism won.

As a final plea, I want you to consider some of the values Null shared, as distasteful as you might find them. Look at the world around you and compare it to the world of years past.
In many ways, it has gotten better, but I have never seen censorship like this before. Mob rule is becoming the norm, wherein we're not controlled by the majority anymore, but an extremely vocal minority whose endless patience for harassment triumphs over people who just want to live their lives.


Don't let Something Awful become like that, I beg of you.
(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
 
Robert Sanvagene said:
Hello Something Awful. First of all, I would just like to specify that this is not my account, this was loaned to me to make this post. I understand that account sharing is against the rules, but hopefully, considering the circumstances, an exception will be made.

I will not be using this account for long.Lowtax is going to be giving me my own account tomorrow. He has not read this post yet, but I do have his permission to post it.

I am Kiwi Farms user 'OwO What's This?' you might have recognized my avatar from this funny YouTube video:

I imagine a lot of you have very strong feelings about Kiwi Farms, and that's fine. I'm going to lift the veil as to the motives of a lot of our activities, and as to why the site is gone now.

I feel like I should do the former first.

First of all, something to understand: There was never a real war with Something Awful, at least not from our perspective. Doxxing in our community served several purposes, but believe it or not, none of them was harassment. With respect to your community, it was a tactic used to pop social bubbles, damage safe spaces, and lift a mirror up to your community.

In that respect, it worked wonders, despite loving up hilariously a couple times - like when a 'double agent' informant got us to dox the Goatse guy. Let me tell you, I found it HILARIOUS, but there were those behind the scenes that were quite bitter about the trick. Whichever goon got us with that deserves a medal.


But let's be real: You wouldn't have been a fun target if your community was doing well. It's not. There were many of those within our community who not only felt like you would be a fun target, but felt a sense of injustice that a site that used to be so legendary, a site they were a part of, was dramatically changing into one that prioritized people's feelings over comedy.

There is an extremely vocal minority on your website trying to play morality police and shut down conversation.

The decision to start this mock war with your website happened when your Shmorky thread was successfully shut down by the combined efforts of a mutinous administration and their defence of a user spamming up the thread for many pages to make it unreadable.
But before poo poo got dirty, the site's owner, Null, tried his hardest to reach out to Lowtax and LadyAmbien to try to help while holding back the wolves best he could. When that proved fruitless, he stopped standing in the way.

A lot of laughs were had, and the only regret shared was a lot of it came at Lowtax's expense.

The grand irony of ironies is that if you had listened to Lowtax in the first place none of this would have even happened - and he's the one taking the most heat. Which is not to say Lowtax is completely blameless... he really should've stood his ground on a lot of issues.

Moderators were walking all over him in public. Almost any other community, your rear end would've been handed to you for pulling something like that. My guess is a lot of people felt 'immune' due to how close-knit the moderation team is. The massive solidarity walk-out recently is evidence of this.
In fact, one of your moderators was so angry that despite hating Kiwi Farms, they were going to let us into the mod forum and archive everything simply out of spite. And we weren't going to say no.
And speaking of turncoats, for all the allegations of transphobia placed on Kiwi Farms, there's something you should know - almost 100% of the information regarding transgender members of your community came from transgender people in your community - people who felt like they were shut down for wrongthink by both their peers and the backing of the administration.
Of all the admin panels bans (bans that don't show up in the Leper's Colony or on people's avatars) doled out after the grand doxxing, you only managed to hit one of our informants. Literally everyone else was innocent, and I'm not making that up to help anyone.

To prove it, I would like to let you all in on another ruse - Jenner is not a troll account. She is real. Because she was trying SO HARD to get targeted by us so she could become some sort of martyr, we came up with the narrative that we discovered she was playing all of you as some sort of master class long term troll.
It was wonderful to see the bait taken by so many goons pretending not to have been reading the thread. But make no mistake - so many people bought it for good reason. When you looked at her behavior, you wanted her to be fake. That's what made the lie so appealing. It is a secret we would've kept and giggled to ourselves forever had Kiwi Farms not been shut down.
Which... brings me to that unfortunate story. Null is a huge believer in free speech, and would allow just about anything to be said on his website so long as it was legal. And whether or not you agreed or disagreed with our methods, it was legal. He sees the world as becoming too big and complicated for any major public figure to face any sort of scrutiny for their actions unless it came at the sacrifice of privacy.
In other words, with the incomprehensible amount of people involved in influencing the world around us and the field of journalism becoming an entertainment industry, Kiwi Farms was viewed as the lesser of two evils. If it meant to have the dick pics of EVERYONE to get to the bottom of who is accountable for what, so be it.
It is so easy in this day and age to sweep things under the rug, and if Kiwi Farms hadn't existed when it did, Shmorky wouldn't have been exposed as a pedophile.

And whether or not you agree with that principle, it was a principle Null strongly believed in.
He sacrificed everything for his website up until the bitter end. Kiwi Farms made an enemy, one hell of an enemy. No, not Derek Smart. This was a man with no ethics or morals, who went to any end necessary to achieve his goals. He is a man so dangerous, that even saying his name on your website puts you at risk. Now doesn't that sound silly? I imagine some of you are chuckling at the idea.

But it is true. He is a man that fancies himself a literal terrorist. And for the sake of irony, I'll refer to him as Voldemort.

Without the benefit of the KF resources in front of me, it is hard to delve into specifics. Voldemort completely ruined Null's life from top to bottom, but Null wouldn't quit.
Even with himself becoming unhireable due to the harassment he faced, he stuck to his principles. He wasn't going to let someone else tell him what to do. That's when Voldemort started going after Null's family. But so principled was Null that for the longest time, even as his family was harassed, he still said no. It put him at an awful strain with every relative he had.

But finally, a line was crossed. Voldemort's harassment of his mother finally became too much for him to bear. His campaign involved sending childing pornography to everyone involved in her real estate career under an endless supply of pseudonyms. Her real estate license was revoked.
And something else happened very recently that he has not gotten into, not even with me, that finally convinced him to pull the plug on the entire website.

Terrorism won.

As a final plea, I want you to consider some of the values Null shared, as distasteful as you might find them. Look at the world around you and compare it to the world of years past.
In many ways, it has gotten better, but I have never seen censorship like this before. Mob rule is becoming the norm, wherein we're not controlled by the majority anymore, but an extremely vocal minority whose endless patience for harassment triumphs over people who just want to live their lives.


Don't let Something Awful become like that, I beg of you.
(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
Click to expand...
>not linking to the video
If you had sourced this from my copypasta dump instead of Florence's post, I wouldn't need to bully you.
 
Alright, so I tried going to sleep tonight and I ended up having a wet dream that woke me up, I literally could not sleep at all in my bed, I was horny, so I go the restroom and masturbate. I washed my face and looked down at the drain.
Alright fuck it I’m bored and horny there’s nothing better to do. So I stick my dick into the drain, keep in mind our drains are kinda small, idk maybe an inch or two wide (I suck at calculations).
At first it gets really hard to shove in, not to flex but my schlong is pretty wide. So it was a bit hard to get it in there. Finally I shoved it in all the way.
I tried it on and oh fuck, it feels super weird. Like super weird I can’t even describe. I try taking out and oh no my fucking dick is stuck.
Did I forget to mention how weird of a position I was in? It was the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Alright so at this point I have a couple of options to get myself out of this shithole. The first was to run water and hope my schlong gets wet and slippery enough to get out. But that did nothing.
My second option was to grab my lotion and try to moisturize it enough to the point where it gets slippery enough. At this point I’m thinking of all the possible things that could get my penis so slippery it would get it out of there.
Then I hear a knock on my door, I’m screwed. It was my parents, they must’ve heard me running the faucet at almost midnight.
I tell my parents that I just woke up to take a shit, but my mom didn’t believe me. She opened the door and saw what the hell happened. Yeah, I’m screwed for sure.
“What the fuck?!?” My mom yelled.
I looked at her and told her I needed help. “Why and how did this happen?” She asked.
Now my mom didn’t know I masturbated so I had to come clean. Yeah I was absolutely fucked. My dad and mom ended up helping me get my schlong out of the hole by literally having to dissemble the whole piping and taking the drain off my penis easily.
 
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