Nigeria News Nigerian Jokes

[Time 4 Guillotines]

These are real jokes, written by real Nigerians. Grammar, typos and bizarre formatting have been left unchanged. While the poor utilization of English is in itself funny they do seem to have a solid grasp of joke structure and writing

 

[Time 4 Guillotines]

I was coming home saturday evening
after a hectic day and found a small bag on
the ground. I opened it and behold what I
found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first
catch me, but I took the bag home and
when ...I emptied It, I found some
Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone.
I thought about
throwing the sim away and keep the phone
and also dispose the documents and keep
the money. After a long thought, I decided to
leave things as they were, hoping that the
owner would call.
Not long after a call came through on the
Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller.
Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz
he named absolutely every content of the
bag. We met afterwards and i handed him
the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I
turned it down , he collected my number
and
i left.
Yesterday he called me and offered me a
job
at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira per month,
a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012
BMW X6
As I was smiling and testing the
car my brother just slapped me and said
"Oya Oya Oya Ofego Wake up!! Food is ready!"

 

[Time 4 Guillotines]

Teacher: "who is the minister of
education?"
Children: "Mrs Dame Patience Jonathan"
Teacher: "who is CBN governor?"
Children: "Aliko Dangote"
Teacher; "who is the minister for
information?".
Children: "Mike Adenuga"
Teacher; "who is the minister for sports.
Children: "Stephen keshi".
Teacher: "Correct!
Teacher: "who composed the national
anthem of Nigeria"
Children: "wizkid"
Teacher: "correct"what is 2+5?
Children: "25"
Teacher:- "correct"
Teacher:- "what is the capital of Nigeria?"
Children: "Abia-umuahia "
Teacher:-"corre ct,
Who is d president of nigeria?".
Children. "General Muhammadu Buhari"
Teacher. "Correct!
Teacher: "Who stopped the killing of twins".
Children: "Psquare"
Teacher: "correct!who is the minister for
women affairs"
Children: "Genevieve Nnaji"
Teacher. "Correct, Who is d governor of
Anambra state?
Children. "Baba Tunde Fashola"
Teacher. "Correct!"
Teacher:- "Good! Clap for yourselves...
(children claps)
Teacher: It's gonna Remain like that until
government increases my salary!!!

 

[Time 4 Guillotines]

OLD AND NEW TITLES
Garden Boy : Landscape Executive Officer
(LEO)
*House Maid : House Upkeep Manager
(HUM)
*Receptionist : Office Access Control
Manager
(OACM)
... *Typist : Printed Document Handler (PDH)
*Messenger : Business Communications
Conveyer
(BCC)
*Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall
Technician
(TWT)
*Temporary Teacher : Associate Tutor (AT)
*Tea Boy : Refreshment Specialist (RS)
*Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation
Engineer
(PSE)
*Watchman : Theft Prevention and
Surveillance
Officer (TPSO)
*Thief : Wealth Distribution Expert (WDE)
*Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist
(APS)
*Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist (DOS)
*Employee without Portfolio :
Administration
Manager (AM)
*Cook : Food Preparation Officer (FPO)
Do Not Forget
*Unemployed : Town Surveyor (TS)
*Gossiper : Research Manager (RM)

 

[Time 4 Guillotines]

Why is there a CR/LF after every 40 characters? You do know we live in the age of word wrap, don't you?

 

[paintingatree]

Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot
trained in the USA and asks
the sales person;
"What's so special about this parrot ?"
Sales person says:
"This parrot is a genius and can answer any
question"
Ekaitte asks the parrot;
"How do I look?"
The parrot replies;
"You look like a fuckin slut?"
Ekaitte gets pissed off and tells the sales
person that its a very rude
parrot and she cannot buy it despite it
was trained in the USA.
The sales person tells Ekaitte to wait for 2
mins...
The sales person takes the parrot to the back
of the store and
shoves the parrot into a bucket of water
and when he pulls the
parrot out he says;
"if you disrespect the lady out there again
i'll soak you back in water" and takes the
parrot back to the store.
Th sales person apologized to Ekaitte and
says she can ask the
parrot another question.
Ekaitte: "If I come home with one man
what would you think?" Parrot: "He's your
husband"
Ekaitte: "Two men?"
Parrot: "Your husband and his brother"
Ekaitte: "Three men?"
Parrot: "Your husband, his brother and
your brother" Ekaitte: "Four men?"
At this time the Parrot turns to the Sales
person and says:
"Bring back the bleeping bucket of water
I already told you she's a
slut!!!"

 

[Time 4 Guillotines]

Why is there a CR/LF after every 40 characters? You do know we live in the age of word wrap, don't you?

Tidying up stuff I'm copying from Nairaland (the only forum the world needs for all things Nigeria) would make my shitposting become effortposting, which goes against my code

 

[paintingatree]

Nairaland is a goldmine for these.

--
How people make a call - American vs. Nigerian :

 

[paintingatree]

John: bby am gonna tell u a story
with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts
Grace: alryt love
John: okay am gonna start wth part 1.
There was a husband n a wife, they
were driving to a camp site wen they
came upon a split road. The husband
says "lets take the left one. The wife
say i thnk we shuld take the right
road." The husband slaps the wife
across the face "whose driving me or
u?" and they took the left path.
Grace: hahahahaha..
John: now am gonna tell u part 2.
Once they got to the camp the
husband goes fishing so his wife can
cook dinner. He comes back and the
wife says "good now i can cook fish
soup for us to eat." The husband says
"but i wanna eat fried fish." The wife
slaps the husband n says "who is
cooking me or u?" and the ended up
drinking fish soup.
Grace: oh crap! Hahaha
John: now am gonna tell u part 4.
Grace: wat abt part 3?
John: (landed grace a hot slap on the
face) who is telling the story me or you?

 

[Crimson Fucker]

I don't care about this.

 

[Time 4 Guillotines]

Tidying up stuff I'm copying from Nairaland (the only forum the world needs for all things Nigeria) would make my shitposting become effortposting, which goes against my code

Don't be such a lazy Goons.

 

[GuntMaster2000]

funny haha!

 

[SIGSEGV]

fat

 

[HmmmmmYesTheFloorIsFloorHere]

 

[mtil]

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