You know. Ellie was. She was a trip. I remember it was study block and she comes in with a bag of sunchips and dr pepper, she sits next to me and we don't say a word for about 30 seconds. The teacher is watching us as we are sitting in the back and there's like a group of girls in corner mind their business. Teacher walks out to grab shit for 4th period and the girls in the corner are talking about boyfriends. Ellie then turns to me as she opens the chips, then she asks softly "if you were a serial killer and I was the victim, how would you kill me?" I looked at her strange and then said "with a gun?" with a smirk. And she was like "no, no, that's not what I mean." " I mean, with blades and shit" She continues munching on the chips. I thought about it and I knew what she was doing, she wanted to get off to the idea of me murdering her. LOL. So I said "well, I would slowly run the blade down your arms so you begin to bleed everywhere, then I would stab you violently in the stomach until you die" She stopped munching then she says "you can do better but that's kinky". I blushed and she started to smirk as she grabbed for her soda. To be honest I was sweating and kind of aroused. We talked about classes after that intense moment but she... oh she was funny.
She would fuck with me by handing me a piece of paper with satanic symbols with my name written on it. She wasn't satanic but she really was edgy. She even said I looked like a school shooter many times. But I was having an episode today while digging a hole for one of my trees. A song she has on her ipod played on my phone by Elliot Smith. I was having flashbacks of high school, I was having the visions of her looking at me down the hall holding a binder grinning, the smell of the shampoo she used, the winks in the mornings. Then a part of the song for some reason made me snap into the moments when the people in my class were making fun of her dying. I was holding my pickaxe and I began to get angry, i was standing in my backyard gripping it, imagining killing one of these motherfuckers. I pictured one of them crawling away as I struck them in the back of the head with the pick axe penetrating their skull and then stabbing them over and over again in the back even though they are already dead. You know what max wanted me to do because I told him about Ellie? He tried to convince me to shoot up my school during my senior year to avenge Ellie. He did it because he's a sick person and wanted to see my do it for the trolls. He didn't want me to do it to avenge Ellie, he wanted me to do it so he can feel good about himself since Max doesn't have the balls to murder like I do. Max always talked about murdering people. He told me he'd like to rape and murder rose all of the fucking time. He would go into detail. He said he would drug her, tie her up and rape her, then when he was done he would torture her with broken glass and shove nails into her vagina stabbing her with them until she bled out.
And I'm sick?
Anyways, Ellie...yes. I was having a fucked up episode today. I thought about what Bundy did, I thought about what a lot of serial killers did. I thought about how I could use the tools in my shed to torture those bullies to death. But I know Ellie wouldn't want me to throw away my life. She wanted to go to Japan. And she wanted to have kids. And if I threw away my life I don't think she wouldn't be sleeping easy in the stars knowing I got locked up for destroying a few faggots that deserved it. I think that's why I'm reading these books again, they remind me of her so much. She would tell me what she thought when she was alone. She would always talk about how lamps in the street reminded her of me. Because when she saw me in a dark place which was school to her, it made her feel better. One time she got sent to the office because some bitch in her class made fun of her convereses because of how beat they were and she snapped back at the bitch saying that she was big as whale. But I remember when she told me what happened, she said "I know the girl I yelled at was fat, but if you became fat, I wouldn't mind". She was suspended for 3 days and so was the girl picking on her. I remember when we were in gym and she would wear that hoodie down at her waste. Ellie, she kind of had a thing going on her chest and like the chick at spencers I got a good peak into something that wasn't porn. I was leaving and in the hall she walks up to me with no one around and she puts her index finger on the edge of her shirt and pulls the edge of the shirt down so I can see a little bit between her tits, I blushed and didn't say anything and she called me a perv.
I drive down the road she used to live. Her parents moved but the house is still there, untouched, just rotting away. But I still drive down that old country road where the lines are fading from time to time. And I picture her in the front yard under that oak tree writing in her diary, back against the tree with her hair all down and shit. It's unbelievable what happened that day. I was so fucked up to the core, I just... it was brutal for me. But I know if the song coming on was because of her, she didn't mean to upset me. She was so sweet she would have never tried to hurt me. Maybe it was her trying to tell me to go read that book again tonight and so I did and well, I found out Ellis from GIPS killed herself... it's fucking crazy...
