anxiety is something i have struggled with for a long time i currently suffer from OCD which is a form of anxiety i remember my first panic attack when i was like maybe 9 or 10 i have had anxiety through the years but recently a couple of months ago i had a panic attack i was packing my luggage and getting ready to move out of my room when my mother was watching the news and it mentioned the idaho murder and suddenly it felt like i was struggling to get a normal breath i was panicking i went in the kitchen i then grabbed a water it did not stop i rushed to my computer and looked up how to stop panic attacks i did deep breaths every 5 seconds and got myself calmed down and i told my parents and they calmed me down but then 2 weeks later i had another my roomate had the today show playing and it mentioned tarot cards and he said why are they talking about fucking satan on TV and my heart sunk just that was enough for me to panic i did not tell them but im sure they noticed fast foward a week later and i thought i was dying i was getting nervous trying to get my mind off breathing then BOOM my neighbors were having a party and they lit a bonfire and i was so scared i thought i heard a bomb go off i was so panicked and i told my roomates and i told them a little bit of my origin story and where my fear of death comes from when i was a kid i had a bad headache and it felt like it would not go away for months i had it but i kept praying and one day in my sleep i saw a golden light and it said you are cured and an in instant i was cured fast foward years later i was looking into faith and i was lost i had no idea who was telling the truth so i was looking into judaisn when i had a dream and god told me i am the way i was stunned i did not know how to react other then calmness fast foward years later i was maybe like 15 and in my edgy teenage years i was at my peak disbelief and i was considering satanism then i had a dream i saw a red man and i felt heat come down i was shaking and i woke up and the next day i was sick the next day so with that background you can see where my fear comes from i am deeply afraid of hell and satan so now in the present day i have come back to faith after reading bible verses so i started watching christian videos when i came across a channel named marc the messenger and he talked about how demons and witchcraft can attack you and it scared me so much then i started watching a channel called ishiahsadver and CBN and they talk about it and it scared me i have been finally getting ovet this fear but i am deeply afraid of this stuff and i have been reading paranormal on 4chan which has made me feel less alone which is my second biggest fear is being alone i have feared it since i was a kid and it terifies me not alone in the since of not having roomates or living with my parents i want that rather mentally alone being their to struggle with my thoughts so after my recent outbursts i had a long talk with my father when he tod me to try 5 things find a community weather its online or in real life which i have done with this site spend less time on my devices get a job get a hobby and think about whats the worst that can happen so to wrap up this very autistic sounding post i want to ask how can i end this endless game of wackamole thats how it is every time i get over my fear weather its my fear of losing my memories or sellin my soul or demons and hell or death or loneleyness it always seems like another fear pops ups and another thing that scares me is the coincidences like every time i fear something i start to notice it for example my fear of witchcraft and the ocult that vtuber rabbit started streaming about it then sam hyde talks about it etc and i started worying about christma being pagan that scared me after i saw a video about it i have so many worries and never a permanent fix so to conclude this autism filled rant i just need help and a friend thanks for reading this onionbros
