Welcome back, buckaroos. On today's bi-weekly installment of my advice column, I'm going to give tips and suggestions for people who decided to stop being keyboard warriors and start trolling and harassing their enemies in the real world. That's right, long live the new flesh.
So the first thing you have to remember is, you're not going to be able to pad your resumé anymore. This is the real world and pretending like you know MMA isn't going to get you very far. Trust me, I have picked fights in bars and you will not pass the skill check when you do the karate kid stance to a biker holding half of a pool cue. But enough about my Tuesday mornings, let's talk turkey about tactics.
Preparation step 1: get dental insurance.
Now this one's pretty important, because if you get caught doing any of this you're probably going to get your fucking teeth knocked out. Have you seen the price of caps these days? Thanks a lot, BIDEN. I recommend going full red dragon and just pulling them out yourself and wearing dentures. They can't knock out what's not there. I know I'm a genius right? That's why I'm a journalist. I pass the savings on to YOU.
Preparation step 2: get an alibi.
The majority of what you're going to be doing I don't think is going to be legal. I mean my knowledge of the law is shaky at best, but I'm pretty sure we're planning some felonies here so you're going to want to have a good defense when this comes back and bites you in the ass. I'd also appreciate if you left out dropping dime on me from the plea deal. Thank you in advance.
Preparation step 3: be a sociopath.
Not really an optional one but, ya know... probably make this a little bit easier.
Okie dokie artichokie, now that the preparation phase is done go on a journey with me is I give you some suggestions on how to properly and appropriately dish out some trolling on your enemies in the big boy world.
Suggestion #1: "The Valtrex Vixen"
If there's one thing I know, it's that normal human beings like pussy. Being gay is a choice, and it's a choice against GOD. But enough about extra ecclesiam nulla salus, you'll find out about that when you get to hell for all those unpaid parking tickets. Yes that counts. If you have a boot on your car you don't get into heaven. But I digress, back to pussy.
This one is an oldie but goodie. Go to your local skid row or red light district (hey even a methamphetamine trap house works in a pinch) and find yourself a woman of loose morals willing to do anything for a little bit of cash or a teener of amphetamines concocted in a dirty bathtub. The catch is you want to find one with an STD. Preferably an incurable one like HIV or my personal favorite: THE HERPES.
Now that we have our honeypot, trade her your money or drugs to act like a normal girl who has casual bareback sex with your enemy. Now that's good trollin. Nothing's more American than spreading herpes like peanut butter. I'm pretty sure it's the third amendment, but I'm not a gaylord so I stopped reading the constitution after they gave the green light on guns. Being able to say whatever I want and shoot whatever I want is all the government I need.
Suggestion #2: "Letters to the Editor"
This one is almost like internet trolling, but unlike 100% of your sex life there's no internet involved. This one's an oldie but goodie. Go down to your local grocery store and get yourself a few copies of Vibe or Rolling Stone or whatever they still print. Do they even print magazines anymore? I don't know. You'll figure it out, you're a smart troll. I mean you had the wherewithal to come to me for advice so obviously you've got a 180 IQ baby.
So basically what you're going to want to do is cut words out of all those magazines and glue yourself a few of those old school ransom notes together that says all types of inflammatory things against the government, about how much you love hamas, hey maybe you even want to go for broke and let everyone know you intend to rape (insert celebrity name here. Extra points if you make it a guy)
Now you're going to want to make sure you wear gloves when you do this, because here's where the fun part comes in. Take your nice clean "I'm going to federal prison for this" notes and take them over to the target's house while you're wearing gloves. It's currently winter, it'll work. Tell the mark that you don't have time to go to the post office but you'll give them $20 if they mail the letters out for you. Now their fingerprints have just been sent along with those crazy letters to places like oh I don't know... The White House, foreign embassies, the legacy media, and other such addresses that are going to have people at the other end who will overreact and spaz out. Of course the object of your trolling is going to say that you gave them the letters but remember preparation step number two? You have an alibi for that day, and it's not your fingerprints who are on those letters kiddo.
Suggestion #3: "Fully Loaded"
Now this one is a little bit tamer, but I figured I'd leave you on a light-hearted one rather than a federal felony. You can even do this one to your friends if you're a malicious prankster. Go over to their house and ask to use the bathroom. Proceed to start masturbating until you're about to reach the climax. Blow your load inside of their shampoo bottle, body wash, toothpaste and other things they put on their body and in their mouth.
Hey nobody ever said that trolling wasn't going to be gross. Extra points if you could do this into one of their food or beverages. "SEXIST!" I hear you cry out. "What if I can't make loads?" You say. Well shut up, one girl on the internet that uses this website. I'm getting to that. Urine can be used as a substitute for semen. As long as they are being hygienic and/or eating and drinking your bodily fluids I would say that's a proper troll. Wouldn't you?
In conclusion, just remember the two most important elements of trolling people in real life: be creative and have fun! And remember, leave snitching on me out of your plea deal!
Your friend (and mine),
~Jack
P.S. I'm going to start writing these weekly because it's fun. Check in every Saturday for a new one!
So the first thing you have to remember is, you're not going to be able to pad your resumé anymore. This is the real world and pretending like you know MMA isn't going to get you very far. Trust me, I have picked fights in bars and you will not pass the skill check when you do the karate kid stance to a biker holding half of a pool cue. But enough about my Tuesday mornings, let's talk turkey about tactics.
Preparation step 1: get dental insurance.
Now this one's pretty important, because if you get caught doing any of this you're probably going to get your fucking teeth knocked out. Have you seen the price of caps these days? Thanks a lot, BIDEN. I recommend going full red dragon and just pulling them out yourself and wearing dentures. They can't knock out what's not there. I know I'm a genius right? That's why I'm a journalist. I pass the savings on to YOU.
Preparation step 2: get an alibi.
The majority of what you're going to be doing I don't think is going to be legal. I mean my knowledge of the law is shaky at best, but I'm pretty sure we're planning some felonies here so you're going to want to have a good defense when this comes back and bites you in the ass. I'd also appreciate if you left out dropping dime on me from the plea deal. Thank you in advance.
Preparation step 3: be a sociopath.
Not really an optional one but, ya know... probably make this a little bit easier.
Okie dokie artichokie, now that the preparation phase is done go on a journey with me is I give you some suggestions on how to properly and appropriately dish out some trolling on your enemies in the big boy world.
Suggestion #1: "The Valtrex Vixen"
If there's one thing I know, it's that normal human beings like pussy. Being gay is a choice, and it's a choice against GOD. But enough about extra ecclesiam nulla salus, you'll find out about that when you get to hell for all those unpaid parking tickets. Yes that counts. If you have a boot on your car you don't get into heaven. But I digress, back to pussy.
This one is an oldie but goodie. Go to your local skid row or red light district (hey even a methamphetamine trap house works in a pinch) and find yourself a woman of loose morals willing to do anything for a little bit of cash or a teener of amphetamines concocted in a dirty bathtub. The catch is you want to find one with an STD. Preferably an incurable one like HIV or my personal favorite: THE HERPES.
Now that we have our honeypot, trade her your money or drugs to act like a normal girl who has casual bareback sex with your enemy. Now that's good trollin. Nothing's more American than spreading herpes like peanut butter. I'm pretty sure it's the third amendment, but I'm not a gaylord so I stopped reading the constitution after they gave the green light on guns. Being able to say whatever I want and shoot whatever I want is all the government I need.
Suggestion #2: "Letters to the Editor"
This one is almost like internet trolling, but unlike 100% of your sex life there's no internet involved. This one's an oldie but goodie. Go down to your local grocery store and get yourself a few copies of Vibe or Rolling Stone or whatever they still print. Do they even print magazines anymore? I don't know. You'll figure it out, you're a smart troll. I mean you had the wherewithal to come to me for advice so obviously you've got a 180 IQ baby.
So basically what you're going to want to do is cut words out of all those magazines and glue yourself a few of those old school ransom notes together that says all types of inflammatory things against the government, about how much you love hamas, hey maybe you even want to go for broke and let everyone know you intend to rape (insert celebrity name here. Extra points if you make it a guy)
Now you're going to want to make sure you wear gloves when you do this, because here's where the fun part comes in. Take your nice clean "I'm going to federal prison for this" notes and take them over to the target's house while you're wearing gloves. It's currently winter, it'll work. Tell the mark that you don't have time to go to the post office but you'll give them $20 if they mail the letters out for you. Now their fingerprints have just been sent along with those crazy letters to places like oh I don't know... The White House, foreign embassies, the legacy media, and other such addresses that are going to have people at the other end who will overreact and spaz out. Of course the object of your trolling is going to say that you gave them the letters but remember preparation step number two? You have an alibi for that day, and it's not your fingerprints who are on those letters kiddo.
Suggestion #3: "Fully Loaded"
Now this one is a little bit tamer, but I figured I'd leave you on a light-hearted one rather than a federal felony. You can even do this one to your friends if you're a malicious prankster. Go over to their house and ask to use the bathroom. Proceed to start masturbating until you're about to reach the climax. Blow your load inside of their shampoo bottle, body wash, toothpaste and other things they put on their body and in their mouth.
Hey nobody ever said that trolling wasn't going to be gross. Extra points if you could do this into one of their food or beverages. "SEXIST!" I hear you cry out. "What if I can't make loads?" You say. Well shut up, one girl on the internet that uses this website. I'm getting to that. Urine can be used as a substitute for semen. As long as they are being hygienic and/or eating and drinking your bodily fluids I would say that's a proper troll. Wouldn't you?
In conclusion, just remember the two most important elements of trolling people in real life: be creative and have fun! And remember, leave snitching on me out of your plea deal!
Your friend (and mine),
~Jack
P.S. I'm going to start writing these weekly because it's fun. Check in every Saturday for a new one!
